confessions of a shoe slut

sometimes you just have to dance...

2008-11-17T13:42:00.001-05:00

YES WE CAN!!!

2008-11-07T10:08:00.003-05:00

so this was initially written as a guest post for julie, but i thought, what the heck, i haven't posted in, oh, FOREVER...so i'll throw it up here too...

as many of you may have heard, we have a new president-elect…it is kind of a big deal in that we seem to have finally broken the racial barrier as to the leader of our country. mind you, there is still a lot of work to be done, but we are FINALLY headed in the right direction!!!

i woke up first thing tuesday excited to have my voice heard –this is the third presidential election that i have been able to cast my vote – that makes me feel old. i did vote in the previous two but alas, like ben affleck, whomever i voiced my support for seemed to lose…(sorry gore & kerry). i may not have as an emotional story as julie (which was a moving one), but the same excitement coursed through my veins as i walked with my husband to our polling station at 7:00 am. i am proud to say the nation finally seemed to agree with me and we did it. :o)

so what to me is the most exciting thing about having a first family that is adorable, compassionate, hardworking, dedicated (not only to the nation, but with one another), and down to earth? the fact that in his acceptance speech barack promised his little girls a dog for the white house.

to those who may now know, i am a HUGE animal lover (and thank goodness massachusetts voted to ban dog racing). this promise prompted me to start a list of possible names for the first pooch. they are as follows:

• mobama
• change
• trigger
• cali(fornia)
• hope
• virginia
• equality
• florida
• hillary
• russia
• fred (armisen)
• and my personal favorite: maverick

thoughts???

p.s. i think it's about time that microsoft word starts to recognize barack obama…make sure you add it to your dictionary…

abandonment never goes over well...

2008-09-26T13:17:00.001-04:00

(quite long - go to 6:36 if you don’t want to watch the whole thing)

insert inappropriate caption as needed...

2008-09-25T09:11:00.001-04:00

grey's 'anatomy' indeed...

2008-09-23T14:38:00.001-04:00

indecision 2008

2008-09-09T14:47:00.000-04:00

my new favorite book...

2008-09-04T09:52:00.002-04:00

101 Things I learned from wedding planning...

2008-08-08T14:10:00.011-04:00

1. No one cares about your wedding as much as you do. This is not to say that friends and family don't have any vested interest, they would just like to be able to hold a conversation with you that isn't centered on the 'Big Day'.

2. Don’t rush your engagement – take your time planning.

3. That being said, it is NEVER too early to start planning!

4. OCD and anal retentiveness (especially to details) pays off, but...

5. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

6. Much like your husband/wife, choose your wedding party carefully!!!

7. Even if you follow #6 to the best of your ability, be prepared for a rogue groomsman or a space-shot bridesmaid…

8. Assume that, inevitably, something will go wrong.

9. Be able to laugh at yourself.

10. REMAIN CALM - there are some things that you just can't foresee/control.

11. Remember that, regardless of what happens or doesn't happen, at the end of the day you will be married and that is what really matters.

12. Be frugal where you can, but spend $ on things that are worth it (photographer, honeymoon, hotels, etc.).

13. HAVE FUN!!!

14. If you are getting married in the Atlanta area (or are willing to hire an AMAZING photographer and fly him to you), hire this guy.

15. Communication with everyone – wedding party, wedding planner, vendors, etc. - is PARAMOUNT!

16. Be concise in your decisions and stick by them.

17. Compromise is key, but have some sticking points you are not willing to budge on.

18. BREATHE.

19. If you have a relative who you know to get a bit over the top, out of control, or generally obnoxious, warn everyone…

20. And when you think you have warned them enough…warn them again because, really, you can’t stress this enough…

21. And when said relative (for instance your aunt who, hypothetically of course, happens to be a cougar), hits on every living and breathing thing with a penis who gets within 10 feet of her, you can say, “I told you so”.

22. Wedding dress shopping is one of the most fun, stressful, aggravating and amazing experiences you will ever go through – enjoy every minute of it!

23. On the same note, take someone with you who you trust to be brutally honest with you.

24. Try your best to choose bridesmaid dresses that are flattering to all figures.

25. Try your best to choose bridesmaid dresses that they can wear again.

26. Keep weather, temperatures, and wind in mind when making decisions as to dates and times of ceremonies and receptions.

27. Be gracious.

28. At your reception spend as much time as you feel necessary schmoozing with your guests – they have traveled near and far to share in your joy…

29. And, if possible, try to spend a bit of extra time with your out-of-town guests.

30. EAT AT YOUR WEDDING!!! A good site will base the meal off of you anyway, but in the event that they don’t keep in mind that no one likes a bride or groom who passes out…

31. DRINK PLENTY OF H2O – see above for reason.

32. Take a moment to yourself to look around the day of – the day will fly by and become a blur.

33. Make a game plan/checklist/calendar of everything you need to do – it is the easiest way to make sure you don’t forget anything.

34. Have your wedding near a Macy’s – they have everything in stock that someone in the wedding party may forget…especially brown shoes and brown belts when a groomsman brings black.

35. Don’t share everything with everyone – surprises are good.

36. If a small detail doesn’t go as planned or is overlooked don’t fret – you’re probably the only one who knows it’s wrong/forgotten.

37. Don’t worry about taking your own photos – EVERYONE else will be taking them and send you copies/links.

38. SLEEP THE NIGHT BEFORE!!!

39. Have someone tape the ceremony/speeches (if you didn’t hire a videographer) – you will want this for yourself.

40. Understand one thing: YOU CANNOT CONTROL THE WEATHER!!!

41. Use key rings instead of real rings in the ring bearer’s pillow.

42. If your flower girl/ring bearer is under the age of 6 expect anything – we got lucky in that both of ours rocked (save for the ring bearer taking a slight detour down the aisle – but no crying, screaming, breaking down, etc.).

43. Something homemade adds a touch of character – as long as it doesn’t look cheap.

44. I do not know a single couple who consummated their marriage on their wedding night – every movie/TV show is a total cliché as you will be so ridiculously tired that the mere thought of making sweet sweet love will cause you to pass out (I personally fell asleep with the TV remote in hand watching the news)…and if I do know you and you are reading this and you did consummate your marriage the first night, I don’t want to know.

45. Which brings me to my next lesson learned – you will be totally out of touch with what is going on in the world for at least 3 days.

46. Being superstitious is ok – just don’t be neurotic about it.

47. You are going to have hundreds, if not thousands, of photos taken of you – don’t worry about the ones that are not flattering of you…

48. When choosing your meal(s) for dinner keep in mind that while this is your wedding and you should get dishes you enjoy, everyone has to eat them.

49. Getting drunk the night before the wedding is not recommended…

50. A night cap is.

51. COMFORTABLE SHOES ARE KEY!!! I wore flip-flops.

52. Having a friend do your makeup will save you a bundle of $$$...and it’s a bonus when she’s FANTASTIC at it.

53. If you can find someone willing to come to you to do your hair – take them up on the offer – its better then trying to get everyone to a salon where you will have that many more distractions.

54. Pack yourself an ‘emergency kit’ which you can keep on you (include the following: band-aids, Tylenol, Advil, breath mints, etc.).

55. Schedule post-wedding massages – you will need them!!!

56. You don’t have to do every tradition out there (there are literally hundreds), but it is nice to incorporate a few…

57. Especially the ‘Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue’ (which for me were: my grandmother’s pearls incorporated in the stems of my bouquet, my dress and the pearls I wore were new, I borrowed a dollar from my sister which I still have…so as of right now it is my ‘something stolen’, and my something blue was my garter belt…which a 21 year old kid who I used to coach caught…which is creepy).

58. As an addendum to #57, be creative and start a new tradition that you can pass along to your children and grandchildren.

59. When your mother says, “Well now that you’re married, you can start to give me grandchildren” glare at her…glare at her a lot…

60. Take a few moments after the ceremony to spend with your new husband/wife to catch your breath before the mayhem begins.

61. Be prepared for your cheeks to hurt from smiling – but you still won’t be able to stop.

62. Be willing to drop a bit of $ on a nice bottle of champagne to have for your toasts.

63. Two words that will be your undoing, but appreciated by all: OPEN BAR.

64. Be prompt in writing ‘Thank you’ notes.

65. If doing a chair dance, keep the following in mind:
• ceiling heights
• heights of the bride & groom
• heights and strength of the people hoisting you and holding you up
• chandeliers

66. BE ON TIME!!!

67. If you are getting ready on-site, pop out of the bridal suite once and a while to see how preparations are going – its fun to watch the progress.

68. Design your own cake.

69. Candy bars (as in a spread of candy, not a single bar of one kind of candy) are a great way to satiate everyone’s palate for treats.

70. Pick tasty hors d’oeuvres.

71. Make sure you have reserved seating for grandparents, close relatives, and close friends at the front of the ceremony.

72. Although it was easy for us, the seating chart can become the bane of your existence.

73. Excel spreadsheets (or Access if you can handle it) are the best way to keep a log of address, RSVP, gifts received, etc.

74. Go tanning – no one wants to be the same color as their dress.

75. On the same note, don't try to change your ethnicity for the 'Big Day' - you still want to look like you.

76. Be thoughtful in your thank you gifts and cards to your attendants and parents.

77. Read about other wedding day disasters – no matter what may have gone wrong at yours, they probably can’t hold a light to others…

78. When going in for your last fitting, see if the bridal shop is able to add a stain-retardant spray to your dress just in case…

79. If you do spill anything (and God forbid its red wine), make sure you have this stuff handy!!!

80. Taking dance lessons is great, but you can also learn pretty much anything and everything on YouTube…

81. Don’t be afraid to let loose on the dance floor – you will have worked long and hard and should enjoy every moment…

82. I found doing the chicken wing expressed how I was feeling at the time.

83. Have a few days between the wedding and the honeymoon – this will cut back on rushing to do everything and allow you to spend a bit more time with friends and family before you leave.

84. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HAVE A THEME WEDDING!!!

85. Welcome bags for out-of-town guests are a wonderfully thoughtful touch.

86. Pack everything that you are going to be taking with you to your wedding a few days in advance – this will avoid rushing around and potentially forgetting anything.

87. When packing for the wedding (other than your gown and the tux/suit) – pack pajamas – all you will want to do post-wedding is sleep…

88. …and eat – so pack some ‘fat pants’ too.

89. Although I was lucky and didn’t have this problem, don’t let others thoughts or opinions cloud your judgment on the ‘Big Day’…you will most likely be stressed enough as it is…

90. Keep up a good front of being calm, cool, and collected – I was all three for the most part all day and the small moments of stress weren’t so bad since I was already relaxed.

91. Find out if any bets are being placed as to who, if anyone, is going to cry first…get in on the bet and throw it in your favor.

92. Speaking of which, make sure the Best Man and/or Maid-of-Honor have tissues handy for the waterworks…

93. Make sure you spend some time with you significant other at the wedding – you’d be surprised how easy it is for the two of you to get separated when schmoozing.

94. Take into consideration those people who tell you to just elope to Vegas…they may be on to something…

95. Make sure you immediately deposit all checks and cash you receive - it’s easy to lose them in the melee...

96. Go to the bathroom before you put on your gown!!!

97. If any of the wedding party is getting ready off-site, make sure that they take at least two to three cars in the event one breaks down.

98. When hiring a DJ, make sure that they have an array of music for all ages and tastes.

99. Don’t forget to have the marriage license signed...speaking from personal experience here...

100. Don’t forget to spell everything correctly on the license...also from personal experience.

101. Forget all of this advice and just hire me as your wedding planner…

it almost makes me want to vote for her...

2008-08-08T09:24:00.002-04:00

Paris Hilton Responds to McCain Adfunny videosFunnyOrDie.com

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

???s

2008-07-01T10:03:00.001-04:00

so i find that i am more bored than normal at work...hard to believe, i know.

so, if you have a question (or questions) for me, ask away...i will try to answer them as candidly and wittily as possible...

she must not be 'psychologically normal'

2008-06-27T13:53:00.001-04:00

a couple of hilarious voicemails (above) from a mega-douche named dimitri are currently making the internet rounds. it all started when d-bag dimitri met the "elegant" olga outside of a bar in san francisco. elegant olga made the mistake of giving him her business card...

what did we learn kids??? if you're in s.f. and a greek guy named dimitri approaches you RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

wedding facts 101

2008-06-27T13:20:00.004-04:00

if the throngs of crazed customers clutching registry printouts at the crate & barrel are any indication, wedding season is once again upon us.

before you head off to the next joyous union on your jam-packed calendar, why not take a moment to reflect on rich history of marriage celebrations and revel in the realization that weddings are, at their core, incredibly bizarre.

the white wedding dress
technically, today's wedding gowns aren't white. they are "candlelight," "warm ivory," "ecru" or "frost." but there was a time when a bride's wedding attire was simply the best thing in her closet (talk about "off the rack"), and could be any color, even black.

to convince her groom that she came from a wealthy family, brides would also pile on layers of fur, silk and velvet, as apparently grooms didn't care if his wife-to-be reeked of sweaty b.o. as long as she was loaded.

it was dear ol' queen victoria (whose reign lasted from 1837-1901) who made white fashionable. she wore a pale gown trimmed in orange blossoms for her 1840 wedding to her first cousin, prince albert.
hordes of royal-crazed plebeians immediately began to copy her, which is an astonishing feat considering that "people magazine" wasn't around to publish the super exclusive wedding photos, or instruct readers on how to steal vicki's hot wedding style.

giving away the bride
remember that women's studies class you considered taking in college? allow us to summarize what you would have learned: all of our society's gender issues stem from the fact that fathers once used their daughters as currency to a) pay off a debt to a wealthier land owner, b) symbolize a sacrificial, monetary peace offering to an opposing tribe or c) buy their way into a higher social strata.

so next time you tear up watching a beaming father walk his little girl down the aisle, remember that it's just a tiny, barbaric little hold over from the days when daughters were nothing but dollar signs to daddy dearest.

and that veil she's wearing? yeah, that was so the groom wouldn't know if he was stuck with an uggo until it was time to kiss the bride and too late to back out on the transaction. (there is also some superstitious b.s. about warding off evil spirits, but we think you'll agree that hiding a busted grill from the husband-to-be is a more practical purpose.)

the wedding party
talk about your runaway brides -- the original duty of a "best man" was to serve as armed backup for the groom in case he had to resort to kidnapping his intended bride away from disapproving parents. the "best" part of that title refers to his skill with a sword, should the need arise. (you wouldn't want to take the "just okay" member of your weapon-wielding posse with you to steal yourself a wife, would you?)

the best man stands guard next to the groom right up through the exchange of vows (and later, outside the newlyweds' bedroom door), just in case anyone should attack or if a non-acquiescent bride should try to make a run for it.

it's said that feisty groups like the huns, goths and visigoths took so many brides by force that they kept a cache of weapons stored beneath the floorboards of churches for convenience. modern-day best men are more likely to store an emergency six-pack at the ceremony for convenience, but the title remains an apt one.

ladies -- believe it or not -- the concept of the bridesmaid's gown was not invented to inflict painful dowdiness upon the bride's friends and female relatives thus making the bride look hotter by comparison.

historically, that dress you'll never wear again was actually selected with the purpose of tricking the eye of evil spirits and jealous ex-lovers (spicy!). brides' faithful attendants were instructed to wear a dress similar to that of the bride so that during their group stroll to the church it would be hard for any ill-willed spirits or former boy-toys to spot the bride and curse/kidnap/throw rocks at her. (ditto for the boys in matching penguin suits, saving the groom from a similar fate.)

garter and bouquet toss
this pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. what could possibly be more humiliating than being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor and being expected to demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying flowers?

how about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the crotch of your buddy's wife? at any other point in time, that would make you seem wildly creepy. so why is it acceptable at a wedding?

it used to be that after the bride and groom said, "i do," they were to go immediately into a nearby room and consummate the marriage. obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky piece of the bride's dress as it was ripped from her body.

sometimes the greedy guests helped get the process going by grabbing at the bride's dress as she walked by, hoping for a few threads of good fortune. in time, it seems, people realized that this was all a bit, well... creepy, and it was decided that for modesty's sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply remove an item of the bride's undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about to, uh, seal the deal.

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue (and a sixpence in my shoe?)
a common theme that you've no doubt noticed throughout this post: humans used to be a superstitious bunch. this rhyming phrase neatly lists a number of english customs dating back to the victorian age which, when worn in combination, should bring the bride oodles of fabulous good luck.
the something old was meant to tie the bride to her family and her past, while the something new represented her new life as the property of a new family. the item borrowed was supposed to be taken from someone who was already a successfully married wife, so as to pass on a bit of her good fortune to the new bride. the color blue stood for all sorts of super fun things like faithfulness, loyalty, and purity. the sixpence, of course, was meant to bring the bride and her new groom actual, cold, hard fortune.

just in case that wasn't enough, brides of yore also carried bunches of herbs (which most brides now replace with expensive, out-of-season peonies) to ward off evil spirits.

saving the wedding cake
why do couples eat freezer-burned wedding cake on their one-year anniversary? to answer this, we must look to the lyrics of a schoolyard classic: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage! it used to be assumed that when there was a wedding, a christening would follow shortly. so, rather than bake two cakes for the occasions, they'd just bake one big one and save a part of it to be eaten at a later date when the squealing bundle of joy arrived.

eventually folks warmed to the idea of giving the poor kid his own, newly baked cake, but the custom of saving a portion of the wedding cake far longer than it should be saved and then eating it and deluding oneself to believe that it actually tastes good is one that persists to this day.

M.I.A.

2008-06-24T09:09:00.002-04:00

helloooooooooooo world!!!

yes, i am alive...breathing, heart beating, eyes wide open...all of those wonderful things associated with being vital!!! so i cannot apologize enough for my disappearance...i do have some very legitimate reasons though: my brother finished law school and was admitted to the bar, i have been hitting the gym, i was working 3 jobs, i am getting married in 31 days...

whoa...what?!?!?!

yes, you read that correctly...in exactly one month and i will be off the market...FOREVER!!!

now that really isn't as scary as i make it out to be since i have been with my fiance, mike whom you all have met, since 2003 and have known him since 2001...not to mention that we have been living together since 2004. so, really nothing will change beyond my last name.

this brings up a few thoughts on my impending nuptials:

when a man proposes, he really shouldn't ask, 'will you marry me'? it should be more of a, 'will you go into debt up to your eyeballs with me'?
i have known mike for a really long time
somehow, he isn't sick of me yet and wants to sign a long-term deal
i am super organized and have had a list the length of my arm of the things i still need to do before 'the big day' which i have been crossing things off of for the past 6 weeks...and i still have SO MUCH TO DO!!!
do you know how much of a pain in the a** it is to change your last name?!?!?! first you have to visit your local social security office (which does not have hours other than the hours i work - and did i mention that i have NO vacation time since the wedding and honeymoon will be gobbling it all up?) with your marriage license (which will take a few weeks to arrive in the mail). then you have to go get a new license...which is another trip to the oh-so-friendly DMV during the same hours i work. then i have to go to HR and let them know it is changing (technically i jumped the gun on this one and they have already processed it changing as of the date of our wedding...oops). then you need to let all of your credit card companies, banks, doctors offices, etc. know. plus i have to get a new passport. then i have to get used to introducing myself as mrs. frank...writing it, signing it, etc. and to think, he gets off scott free...
maybe once my wedding is over and done with (don't mind me, i really am looking forward to it...but at this point i am very much looking forward to drinking fruity beverages of the alcoholic nature on a white sand beach out of the fruit of my choosing) i can focus on getting back to school and getting my career on track rather than wasting my days and life away sitting in front of my computer hating my life...

any advice for me on the upcoming day???

what we all missed today while slaving away at work:

2008-05-16T13:55:00.001-04:00

top ten

2008-05-02T11:13:00.002-04:00

gmail chats with mike...

2008-04-25T15:29:00.004-04:00

*this is in response to me posting a comment about how i did not deserve to be tased*

me: check your facebook wall
michael: well, you sucker punched me!
me: whatever
michael: 'W'
oh, you also threw a pregnancy test at me, but that's all
oh, and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
me: ew what?
michael: throwing a pregnancy test?
me: sweetheart if that grosses you out remind me not to let you in the room during the actual delivery
michael: there are grosser things in the world, i just don't need to thrown at me!
icky
me: fine, i'll throw afterbirth at you so you can appreciate how minimal a pregnancy test is
michael: that's even ickier
me: see, a pregnancy test isn't so bad now, is it?
michael: whatever, tasing isn't that bad either
no bruises or anything
me: right, it could only kill me
michael: if improperly used
me: but god forbid you get a small bit of urine on you
i'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you don't know the proper way to use one
michael: seriously, i could get an infection & die
i practice every day
me: christ you're a drama queen

'where are they?' wednesday

2008-04-23T13:33:00.012-04:00

so back to my 'where are they now?' segment (which i have decided to turn into a weekly event on wednesdays...hence the title all you smarties out there...).

this one is for julie so that she can prove timmy wrong:

brad barron renfro (a.k.a. the kid from 'the client')

then:

now:

*dead from an apparent overdose of heroin and morphine

brad made his movie debut in 1994 in the title role of 'the client'. he acted in 21 movies, several short films, and one television episode during his career. much of his later career was marred by a pattern of substance abuse until his death on january 15, 2008.

brad was born in knoxville, tn, the son of angela and mark renfro, who was a factory worker. he was raised from the age of five by his paternal grandmother, joanne barron renfro, a church secretary. he fathered one child, a son named y(amato) renfro, born in 2003. the boy lives in japan with his mother.

renfro was discovered by mali finn, a casting director, when he was ten. his only previous acting experience was as a dealer in an anti-drugs workshop school production. cast by finn for schumacher's 'the client', renfro acted alongside susan sarandon and tommy lee jones. based on the bestselling john grisham novel, it became one of the top-grossing films of 1994. in 1995, he won hollywood reporter's 'young star' award, and was nominated as one of people's 'top 30 under 30.' that year, he played huck finn in 1995's tom and huck with jonathan taylor thomas.

in 1996, he was cast in 'sleepers', based on the novel by lorenzo carcaterra. the film was directed by barry levinson and also starred robert de niro, kevin bacon, dustin hoffman, and brad pitt.

in 1998, he starred opposite ian mckellen in 'apt pupil', directed by bryan singer. renfro went on to act in other films, including 2001's 'ghost world', 2002's 'confessions of an american girl' (in which he played a gay teenager), 'bully', and 2005's 'the jacket'. he also appeared in an episode of 'law & order: criminal intent' and completed filming on the unreleased film 'the informers', co-starring winona ryder and billy bob thornton.

in december 2005, he was arrested by lapd officers during an undercover drug sweep of downtown's skid row and was charged with attempted possession of heroin. a photograph showing him in handcuffs made the front page of the los angeles times. renfro admitted to a detective that he was using heroin and methadone. in court, he pleaded guilty to the charges, and was sentenced to three years' probation. in 2006, he spent 10 days in jail for convictions of driving while under the influence and attempted heroin possession. in june 2007, a judge found him to have violated his probation by not enrolling in a long-term drug treatment program. he subsequently went into a drug rehabilitation program.

renfro was found dead on january 15, 2008 in his l.a. apartment. on february 8, 2008, the l.a. county coroner's office ruled that renfro's death was accidental, attributing it to acute heroin/morphine intoxication.

his body was returned to east tennessee, where he was buried on january 22, 2008 north of knoxville, at red house cemetery in the small community of blaine.

less than two weeks later, his grandmother joanne – who had raised him and accompanied him regularly during his early acting career – died at her home at the age of 76. local officials stated that she died of natural causes.

i <3 the 80s too...

2008-04-18T10:07:00.002-04:00

you know i love the 90s, but there are some things sacred from the 80s...such as teen witch:

god, i'm O-L-D!!!

2008-04-04T16:31:00.002-04:00

you're a 90's kid if:

you can sing the rap to 'the fresh prince of bel air'.
you know that 'woah' comes from joey from 'blossom' and that 'how rude!' comes from stephanie from 'full house'.
you remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a saturday to watch cartoons.
you remember reading 'goosebumps'.
you know the profound meaning of 'wax on, wax off'.
you took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.
you made paper scrunchies to see who you'd end up marrying
you danced to 'wannabe' by the spice girls, females: had a new motto, males: got a whole lot gay-er. (so tell me what you want, what you really really want).
you remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.
you still get the urge to say 'not' after (almost) every sentence...not...
where in the world is carmen san diego? was both a game and a tv game show.
captain planet.
you knew that kimberly, the pink ranger, and tommy, the green ranger were meant to be together.
you remember when super nintendos became popular.
you remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on iintruders'.
'i've fallen and i can't get up'.
you remember boom boxes vs. cd players.
you remember new kids on the block when they were cool.
you knew all the characters names and their life stories on 'saved by the bell'.
you played and/or collected 'pogs'.
you had at least one tamagotchi, gigapet or nano and brought it everywhere.
you watched the original care bears, my little pony, and ninja turtles.
nancy drew and the hardy boys were the best myster books.
yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!
all your school supplies were 'lisa frank' brand.(pencils, notebooks, binders, etc.).
you remember when the new beanie babies were always sold out.
you used to wear those stick on earrings, not only on your ears, but at the corners of your eyes.
you've gotten creeped out by 'are you afraid of the dark?'
you know the macarena by heart.
'talk to the hand' ... enough said.
you thought brain would finally take over the world.
you always said, 'then why don't you marry it!'
you remember when everyone went slinky crazy.
you remember when razor scooters were cool.
when we were younger: before the myspace frenzy...before the internet & text messaging...before sidekicks & ipods...before playstation2 or x-box......
back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.
when light up sneakers were cool.
when you rented vhs tapes, not dvds.
when gas was $0.95 a gallon & caller id was a new thing.
when we recorded stuff on vcrs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
when we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
when the chicago bulls were the best team ever.
tag.
get over here!!!! means something to you.
hide-n-go seek at dusk.
red light, green light.
heads up 7 up.
playing kickball & dodgeball until your porch light came on.
hopskotch.
tree houses.
hula hoops.
hello......hot wheels!!!
running through the sprinklers.
that 'little Mermaid'.
crying when mufasa died in the lion king.
happy meals where you chose a barbie or a hot wheels car.
getting the privilege to sit in the front seat of the car.
drinking sqeeze it 'squeeze the fun out of it'.
hey arnold.
rugrats.
the secret world of alex mac.
rocco's modern life.
are you afraid of the dark?
doug.
magic school bus.
aladdin.
pinky and the brain.
sailor moon.
punky brewster.
blossom.
beavis & butt-head.
wishbone.
bill nye the science guy.
mr. rodgers!!!!
where everyone wanted to be in love after watching the wonder years.
under the umbrella tree
pee-wee!!!
the big comfy couch.
kool-aid was the drink of choice.
class field trips.
when christmas was the most exciting time of year.
when $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
when you begged to go to mcdonalds for dinner everyday.
when toys r us overuled the mall.
decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'monopoly.'
being old referred to anyone over 20.
a chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
when ninja turtles ruled the world.
when aladdin was new.
before the trilogy was complete.
before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much???

d.b. of the week

2008-04-04T11:28:00.002-04:00

this week's d.b. of the week is...(drum roll)...

raffaello follieri - anne hathaway's italian boy toy of four years:

the italian property developer was arrested yesterday and charged with trying to pass a bad check, a nypd spokesman said. the check was for around $250,000, as ordered by a washington, d.c., court to pay a public-relations firm $250,000 for work done on his behalf. last year, the wall street journal reported on billionaire ron burkle's lawsuit against follieri for allegedly squandering $1.3 million in business funds to support his extremely lavish lifestyle. follieri denied any wrongdoing.

in february 2007, hathaway told london's sunday times that follieri was a positive influence who helped bring her out of a lengthy depression. 'he's brought out so many positive attributes,' she said. 'before i met him, i wasted so much time. i was just annoying and narcissistic and smelled bad. he's protective without being possessive, passionate without needing to show his temper.'

yeah, well you're still annoying, narcissistic, and i can only imagine how bad you smell...glad to see he's done nothing for you annie...

where are they now???

2008-03-28T11:23:00.011-04:00

so i posted only once before for my 'where are they now???' segment but i have a long list of stars who fall into this category from my childhood. therefore, i will begin to make this a much more regular occurrence (especially since i am stuck on bored right now at work).

next up: the robot from small wonder aka tiffany brissette:

then:

birth name: tiffany michelle brissette

tiffany began her 'career' at the very young age of 2 years old. her mother entered her in many pageants and talent competitions during her young life. that led to television voice-over work and many commercial appearances which included, 'care bears', 'florida orange juice', 'ibm', 'jell-o puddin' pops' appearing with bill cosby) and many others.

tiffany was given a career boost after appearing in 'a perfect day for banana fish' with bob hope, and was highly encouraged by her peers to pursue television as a career. her biggest success she shared, was the role as the child robot 'v.i.c.i.' on fox's 1980's successful show, 'small wonder' (1985) which had a popular run from 1985-89. she beat out candance cameron and heather o'rourke for the role.

after 'small wonder' ended, she made various television appearances and was even a guest on the 'the 700 club' in 1991 at the age of 17. tiffany later received her bachelor's degree in psychology from westmont college in santa barbara california. she has not returned to television in almost ten years.

more recently, on march 2, 1997, she participated in the los angeles marathon, finishing in 4:33:06. she placed 921st among 5,312 females, and 101st out of 545 in her age class. she placed 5,110th in an overall field of 15,899 entrants.

as of may, 2002 she was working as a nanny in boulder, colorado but has since become heavily involved with children and young adults as a counselor in san diego.

misc: horseback riding is one of her favorite hobbies.

now:

d.b. of the week

2008-03-28T10:59:00.012-04:00

rikki rockett (wtf kind of name is that anyway???), the drummer for poison, was arrested at lax on a rape warrant issued from mississippi. rikki was performing with the group in new zealand and was just getting off a flight when police swooped in. 46-year-old rikki was arrested on monday, taken to jail, booked and it looks like he has been released since then.

prior to starting poison with bret michael's in the 80s, rikki worked as a hairdresser, lifeguard, dishwasher, emergency medical technician and a suit salesman.

really, a suit salesman can't get laid??? go on... and a rape charge in mississippi? if convicted, he's totally going to get the death penalty. they are hardcore down there!!!

way to go d.b....

HAPPY EASTER!!!

2008-03-24T16:42:00.003-04:00

how peeps make a living the other 364 days of the year:

the spears sisters at it again!!!

2008-03-18T15:51:00.002-04:00

now many of you may have noticed that i haven't blogged about brit brit in a while. i thought it was time to steer away from all of that predictable drama and focus on some other happenings in the world.

that plan of action was going great until this video clip surfaced featuring jamie-lynn and brit brit together. i just had to post it, it was too good to let it slip by...

one voice...

2008-03-18T13:04:00.000-04:00

a fierce hot tranny mess...

2008-03-13T14:54:00.001-04:00

for those who aren't fierce and aren't in the know that i love project runway, let me catch you tranny's up:

now that is a hot mess!

look what i found!

2008-03-12T16:11:00.005-04:00

it's eliot spitzer and his madame 'kristen':

she's so cheap she can't even afford a second wheel...guess she was only a 1-diamond on the 7-diamond scale...

douche bag of the week

2008-03-12T13:32:00.007-04:00

i know d.b. of the week is supposed to be on friday...

and i know i haven't done d.b. of the week in a while...

but this guy just couldn't wait...

and now an excerpt from his resignation:

i go forward with the belief, as others have said, that as human beings our greatest glory consists not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.

i wonder if that was what the prostitute was thinking every time she fell on your schlong???

p.s. i hate to fly - can i just borrow your ears and use them as wings??? i bet your wife wouldn't even notice they're gone given how little time you spend at home and how loaded she looks...

i <3 betty white

2008-03-11T15:17:00.004-04:00

i will marry betty white before everything is said and done:

drug mule? pat o'brien? briefcase full of cocaine? i love this woman.

they're baaaaaaaaack...

2008-03-10T09:26:00.000-04:00

movie meme

2008-03-05T09:56:00.013-05:00

because julie is a genius and i like to copy geniuses...

here are the meme rules:

1. pick 10 of your favorite movies.

2. go to imdb and find a quote from each movie.

3. post them here for everyone to guess.

4. strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.

5. GUESSERS: NO GOOGLING/using imdb search functions.

6. one movie guess per blogger. give people a chance to guess before you steal all of the awesome!

7. put your guesses in the comments. that way if i leave my desk for a little bit i have a record!

and now for the quotes:

1. there's not a day goes by i don't feel regret. not because i'm in here, or because you think i should. i look back on the way i was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. i want to talk to him. i want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. but i can't. that kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. i got to live with that. rehabilitated? it's just a bullshit word. so you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. because to tell you the truth, i don't give a shit. you are correct justin - shawshank redemption

2. listen. since i've met you i've nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at, and chopped into fish bait. we're caught in the middle of something sinister here, my guess is dad found out more than he was looking for and until i'm sure, i'm going to continue to do things the way i think they should be done. indiana jones & the last crusade - well done mike!

3. we don't have none of this stuff in the boy's room! wait a minute! we don't got none of this...we don't got doors on the stalls in the boy's room, we don't have, what is this? what's this? we don't have a candy machine in the boy's room!

4. ~~you really don't remember, do you? we didn't pick you. you picked us. you volunteered. right here. right here, even after you were warned.~~ good job honey - bourne ultimatum is right!

5. ladies and gentlemen, you all have one thing in common: you're all being blackmailed. for some considerable time, all of you have been paying what you can afford, and in some cases MORE than you can afford, to someone who threatens to expose you. and NONE of you know WHO's blackmailing you. do you? clue is correct karen.

6. ~~now the snarfblatt dates back to prehysterical times when humans used to sit around and stare at each other all day. got very boring. so they invented this snarfblatt to make fine music.~~ well done snappy - the little mermaid.

7. who came up with this ridiculous concept anyway? resolve your entire life in one bold stroke? what if i fail? and i will. i'll fail. i'm telling you. i always fail. then my whole life will be a complete failure.

8. ~~did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on?~~ julie is definitely in a league of her own...

9. if only you knew how mean she really is...you'd know that i'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, right? yeah! two years ago she told me hoops earrings were *her* thing and i wasn't allowed to wear them anymore. and then for hannakuh my parents got this pair of really expensive white gold hoops and i had to pretend like i didn't even like them and...it was so sad. and you know she cheats on aaron? yes, every thursday he thinks she's doing SAT prep but really she's hooking up with shane oman in the projection room above the auditorium! i never told anybody that because i am *such* a good friend! mean girls is correct - nice one fort knocks!

10. that's right. when i was your age, television was called books. and this is a special book. it was the book my father used to read to me when i was sick, and i used to read it to your father. and today i'm gonna read it to you. woo hoo yael - princess bride is right!

either she is preggers...

2008-02-25T13:08:00.000-05:00

or is really happy to see brad-boy...

you can stay at the...

2008-02-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

you knew the retaliation was coming...

2008-02-25T09:08:00.004-05:00

100 things.

2008-02-15T16:28:00.011-05:00

so i have been reading other peoples blogs as of late (thank you boss-a-roo for a continuance in the nothing to do department), and have been coming across more and more people who have a post of 100 random factoids about themselves…which spearheaded my inspiration to write a list of my own. so, without further ado, me:

i am the youngest of four children.
i have one sister, the oldest, and two brothers.
i am the loudest of four children.
i use fact #1 to explain fact #3.
i was born in texas...
but moved to massachusetts when i was 4 so i don’t have an accent (sorry to disappoint).
i had the idyllic childhood on the outside...both parents, a 5 bedroom house in a small town where the median family income was around $75,000...the town was rated by boston magazine as the healthiest of 146 towns in eastern mass...i was surrounded by trees, national landmarks, protected forests, conservation land, cranberry bogs and one of the state’s top ten school systems...my siblings and i perused the town all day on our bikes and never had to check in at home...
but things behind closed doors painted a much different picture.
i learned at a young age what it is to work for something.
i learned at a young age that you can only count on yourself.
it took me a long time to change my mind about fact #10…and i still have trouble with it at times.
i haven’t seen or spoken to my father in over 13 years.
those have been the best 13 years of my life…
and it just dawned on me that that’s half my life.
i was a total tomboy growing up…
but also loved barbie, care bears, and my little ponies.
i swam year round on a junior olympic swim team for 12 years…
and quit after my senior year in high school turning down $ to swim in college.
in addition to swimming, i played softball for 9 years, field hockey for 5, track for 3 as well as dabbling in soccer, ice hockey, ballet, and gymnastics.
i told you i was a tomboy.
i am now described as ‘a girly girl who doesn’t take s*it from anyone’.
but am still a total health freak.
i loved pretty much everything about my high school experience...
and the things i didn’t, i’m glad i can look back on and realize how ridiculous they really were and laugh.
in high school my friends and i were kind of goody-two-shoes…we didn’t drink, smoke, or party…until the summer after my senior year…and even then it was tame in comparison.
i think when i go back for my 10-year high school reunion people will be surprised that i’m not a lesbian (see facts #15, 19, and 20).
it was in high school when it started that i would hear a song on the radio and could envision a video montage of my life to the music.
that still happens to me all the time today.
i decided that i wanted to get far away from massachusetts for college...
so i went to clemson in south carolina.
have you ever been to south carolina??? if not, DON’T GO!!! at least not rural south carolina…mind sets haven’t changed since 1957.
when i left for clemson i was a young, naïve, and had never been kissed.
when i got to clemson, i kissed a lot of boys…
but did a division l sport so didn’t have a life.
then i got hurt and couldn’t compete anymore…
and when i went back for my sophomore year, i realized i hated the school…
so i came home…
and felt like a huge failure.
eventually, i transferred to northeastern university in the heart of boston…
and LOVED living in the city…
but didn’t love living on another college’s campus since my college had run out of housing for transfer students.
so to get involved, my ‘friend’ who lived across the hall made it her mission to convince me to try out for the club volleyball team.
i assured her that even though i am tall (5’11”), i had never played…
she didn’t believe me…
and proceeded to beg, beg, and beg some more for me to accompany her to try-outs since she had played since 8th grade.
i finally gave in…
and my life changed forever on the first day of try-outs…
i met my future husband (who we will call frank).
and made the team…
and now continue to play and coach volleyball…
which makes me think how much better i would be if i had been playing since i was in high school…
and then i realize how much time everyone wastes worrying on ‘what could have been’s’…so i look ahead…
and then realize that i’m getting married in 161 days as of this posting…
and am totally excited, stressed, and terrified.
all of my friends are already married, many with a baby on the way (if they don’t already have one).
this has jump started my biological clock.
seriously, it’s like big ben in my head.
but at the same time it makes me feel like i need to get out and enjoy my youth while i can.
and when i try that, i am reminded how much of a lightweight i am.
and remember that i have never been hit on at a bar…ever…no one has ever even asked me for my number…
and now i bet you’re all thinking that i’m hideous because clearly i have a killer personality.
most nights when i am not working or coaching i am at the gym (see fact #22).
and when i get home i watch one of my favorite shows: law & order svu, the office, lost, or pretty much anything on the food network…
reading that, i feel totally lame.
but that is also the only time of day that i really get to see frank.
so a lot of those shows are playing while he and i chat…
so i DVR them to make sure i don’t miss anything…
this also may or may not allow me to pause the tv when l&o svu is on to ogle christopher meloni.
i root for all things boston even though i have been wanting to leave here since the day i graduated college in 2004.
sometimes, i wish i lived in nyc…actually, i wish that all the time.
frank is not a fan of the idea.
but that’s okay, i will break him eventually…
frank and i are quite possibly the whitest people in the world but have a lot of conversations where we make fun of each other, use a lot of slang, or use a various accents…i’ve been told it can be quite hilarious.
our friend justin, a frequent visitor of this blog, asks us if we’re like that all the time.
i don’t know if this is a compliment or if we are just weird.
sometimes i have blonde moments.
the worst blond moment in the history of blonde moments was when justin, his wife, frank and i were on the way to the beach. we were discussing chartered helicopter tours as justin and his wife had gone on one during their honeymoon in hawaii. justin commented on how it was cool but kinda scary since there were no doors on the helicopter. i piped up from the back of the car with, ‘if there are no doors, how does everyone get in the helicopter?'
your IQ just dropped 5 points after reading that…
mine plummeted 50 for saying it…
but it still makes me laugh.
i wish i could elongate the day so that i could sleep more than 5-6 hours a night.
i wish i could elongate the day so that i could spend more time with frank and my friends.
i read a new book every week.
after reading people.com, instyle, or catching a few minutes of ‘my sweet sixteen’ on mtv, i wonder if celebrities and spoiled kids have any idea what it’s like being poor?
i hope my kids never have to worry about it…
but are grounded enough to appreciate what they have.
i have been saying forever that i want 5 kids, but now i think i may have changed that to 3.
i want a dog.
i want the following stores to realize that i have helped them immensely in their last quarter sales and allow me shopping sprees as compensation: j.crew, gap, nordstrom, macy’s, and barnes & noble.
i wish i could have met my mother’s father since all of her siblings tell me i look like him.
i hate all of my jobs right now with the exception of coaching.
i can’t wait to go to grad school to become a high school guidance counselor and enjoy what i do and feel like i make an impact on someone…anyone.
i love that frank is in full support of me returning to school and getting on to something that i want to do.
i love that frank is also in full financial support of this quest…
because i am still bitter that frank got to go to undergraduate for free (his mom worked at the university)…
and i am still tens of thousands of dollars in debt even after many scholarships.
i am greatly looking forward to getting into my career…
and furthering my career to work with adolescents with eating disorders and body issues
and am also looking forward to reading other peoples lists of 100 things about them…
so get cracking!

ummmmmmm...

2008-02-13T15:43:00.006-05:00

i think i just threw up in my mouth:

*click on image

it is safe to go back in the water...

2008-02-13T13:32:00.004-05:00

swift-boating the sharks

there’s a sad irony in the news today, following this week’s death of roy scheider, the shark-hunting cop from the jaws movies. the International shark attack file, the unofficial scorekeeper on worldwide shark attacks on humans, published its death toll for the year 2007.

all of the sharks in all the world’s oceans barely kept pace with mr. scheider’s movie accomplishments. they killed one of us last year. one.

certainly that one death is no laughing matter. she was a vacationing nurse, snorkeling in the waters off new caledonia in the south pacific. there were also 71 reported shark attacks that did not result in a human death last year.

george burgess, the university of florida researcher who runs isaf, performs the grim task of counting up the incidents. but he does so with his own sense of irony. popular culture, he says – from the big screen to magazine cover stories to cable news channels (!) – have pumped up the drama of shark attacks, in the process creating the impression that they’re far more common than they truly are.

burgess’s numbers, as well as a few pulled from other studies, put the shark frenzy in context:

– from 2000 to 2005, isaf reports there were eight domestic shark attack deaths. the international hunter education association reports that 385 u.s. and canadian hunters were accidentally killed by other hunters in that same time frame.

– the new england journal of medicine reported that from 1990 to 2006, there were 16 deaths on american beaches caused by digging sandholes till the sand collapsed, smothering the digger. isaf counted a dozen u.s. shark deaths in the same period. clearly, you’d be safer in the water, with the sharks, than you are in your own sandhole.

– florida is the most prolific state for both boating and shark attacks. over a two-decade period, the u.s. coast guard reported 764 boating-accident deaths in the state. the sharks took four lives in the same years.

– a decade ago, a consumer product safety commission report tracked vending machine deaths from 1977 till 1995, thirty seven americans were killed when they got overly aggressive, toppling a vending machine to get a reluctant quarter or cola – an average of about two per year, or twice the number killed by sharks in the u.s. just when you thought it was safe to get a dr. pepper…

finally, here is how the other animals of the kingdom stack up:

- deer - the very symbol of the terrors of nature – take between 130 and 140 human lives each year - usually just after they’re in your headlights.

- the cdc estimates an average of fifteen u.s. deaths per year from snakebites.

- but the all-time champion animal nemesis for the human race doesn’t have a scorekeeper, and will likely never get its own series of movies or saturation news coverage (note to hollywood: this is not an invitation to start a 'war of the worlds' series of movies starring mr. scientology himself). we don’t know for certain how many people are killed by mosquito-borne disease but the horrible toll easily reaches the millions each year.

roy scheider’s immortal line from the first jaws movie was, upon first seeing his great white enemy, “you’re gonna need a bigger boat.” but in the world’s eye, the sharks are getting swift-boated. and we’re not working very hard to find the real killers.

GET OFF THE ROADS...

2008-02-07T09:19:00.000-05:00

SHE'S O-U-T!!!

brit brit was released early from ucla medical center's psych ward because a court representative found "no just cause" for the hold...ma and pa spears believe her life is presently at risk and do not agree with the the decision and released this statement:

as parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe.

we are deeply concerned about our daughter's safety and vulnerability and we believe her life is presently at risk. there are conservatorship orders in place created to protect our daughter that are being blatantly disregarded.

we ask only that the court's orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.

personally i would be more inclined to worry about the risk she imposes on everyone around her...not so much herself...

hi-larious

2008-02-01T11:42:00.000-05:00

so sarah silverman gave bf jimmy kimmel a special present for his 5th anniversary last night on his show (the whole matt damon thing is a running joke on jimmy's show - jimmy always makes jokes about not having time for matty boy)...

brit brit, a portrait

2008-01-30T15:00:00.000-05:00

stolen coffee mug....................check
stolen book of kabbalah............check
double chin.............................check
nappy hair..............................check
chewed off nails......................check

reminiscing...

2008-01-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

so the rumor mill has been working overtime as to whether nkotb (or new kids on the block for all those still living in the stone age) will reunite...

all i have to say is:

on danny
on donnie
on jordan and jonathan
on joey
on groupies
on 90s bad fashion...

god i hope they do...and i hope they bless us all with their musical prowess much like this:

NEW SEGMENT!!!

2008-01-25T10:16:00.000-05:00

new and exciting!!!

so justin, in his infinite wisdom, made a comment on one of my posts a little while back questioning where the stars that we loved in the 80s and 90s are now??? that got me thinking...and so i've decided to do a weekly 'where are they now' segment.

first up, dave coulier (aka - uncle joey from full house)

professional life:
up until its cancellation in 1995, dave was best known as uncle jesse on 'full house' however, he also starred in the children's comedy series out of control and hosted 'america's funniest people' and 'opportunity knocks'. continuing with his voice work for cartoon characters, he did voice work in the movie 'yogi bear and the magical flight of the spruce goose' as well as 'felix the cat'.

his acting career included roles in disney channel original movies 'the thirteenth year' and 'the even stevens movie' as well as some work on nickelodeon in the movie 'shredderman rules'. in 2000 he founded his own children's centered entertainment company, 'f3 entertainment'.

he has also had a slew of reality tv show appearances. in 2003 he appeared on the 3rd season of VH1's 'the surreal life' with adrianne curry and chirstopher knight (who would later marry), da brat, chyna doll, marcus schenkenberg, verne troyer and jane wiedlin. in 2006 he appeard on fox's 'skating with the stars' where he was paired with olympic silver medalist nancy kerrigan.

currently, dave finds himself a member of duck's breath mystery theater - a touring comedy troupe as well as host of the series animal kidding. ha has been a kids choice awards host, and stars as mr. byrd in the tv movie shredderman rules which came out last year.

personal life:
dave was married for two years to fashion model jayne modean and together they had one son named luc. dave was alleged to be alanis morissette's first lover and it is widely speculated that he is the man referenced in her bitter song 'you oughta know' (although neither party will confirm this.)

he is also an avid fan of professional hockey, specifically the detroit red wings as was evident on his tenure on 'full house' by his red wings jersey and various red wings posters on uncle joey's bedroom walls. dave was a member of the celebrity all-stars hockey team where he played along side jason priestley, matthew perry, michael j. fox, alan thicke, michael keaton, and richard dean anderson.

if you have someone who you loved to watch as a kid and are wondering what happened to them, let me know...i'll do a little research and get you in the know...

db of the week

2008-01-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

behold the douchess bag of the week:

oh mary kate...what were you thinking when you had the masseuse who found heath ledger's body hold off on calling 911?!?!?! didn't you ever pay any attention in health class other than learning how to treat your raging case of herpes??? or perhaps common sense should have dictated that you yell at the masseuse about how much of an idiot she was to call you instead of the police to begin with given that you are in california and she is in nyc... sadly this was not the case as you two nitwits exchanged 4 phone calls before the authorities were every called...you called your own damn security people first and the paramedics had to share the elevator with them!!!

god, you are such a douchess bag!!!

RIP

2008-01-24T10:32:00.000-05:00

how reassuring...

2008-01-24T10:22:00.000-05:00

it looks like little jamie lynn won't be winning the 'parent of the year' award afterall...

“after several weeks of personal soul searching and talks and discussions with her mom jamie lynn reluctantly agreed that giving up the baby is the right thing to do. lynne says jamie doesn’t understand the life long consequences of having a baby. she still wants her daughter to be able to be a teenager, go to parties, hang out with friends and have a career. so she’ll take the front seat of caring for the baby and take the pressure off her daughter.”

j-l may not understand the life long consequences of having a baby?!?!?! did brit brit teach her NOTHING besides how to open her legs?!?!?! and lynne is worried that j-l won't be able to party...isn't that how this whole fiasco started?!?!?! have no fear, now lynne has a whole new generation to f*ck up!!!

it sucked the first time around...

2008-01-23T15:16:00.001-05:00

...and here brit brit is blowing it again...probably literally...

lets just hope, for the sake of the future of our country, that she learns how to close her legs...

going green

2008-01-23T15:05:00.000-05:00

so i may or may not have stolen this from julie because i may or may not be stuck at work with the flu with a severe headache and a severe lack of creative juices...

i myself walk and take the t to work - what do you do to help the environment???

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-16T15:57:00.001-05:00

blah...

2008-01-15T14:46:00.001-05:00

i really have nothing exciting, new, or interesting to say...i was just sick and tired of having mischa barton's face be the first thing i see every time i opened my blog...

douche bag of the week strikes back!!!

2008-01-11T09:08:00.000-05:00

so sorry to not have updated my weekly 'douche bag of the week' spot in forever...i know its a personal favorite of some of you. but be sad no more, it is b.a.c.k.

this week's douche bag is actually a douchess bag...

behold! mischa barton at her finest!:

this would be the mug shot from when mischa was pulled over and subsequently arrested for dui. mischa had this to say about the incident,

"obviously i'm 100 percent responsible for my actions in this case, i'm really disappointed in myself. i don't know what to say about it, except that i'm not perfect, and i just don't ever intend to do something this stupid again."

wow - what is the newfound thing in hollywood called 'responsibility for ones actions' and when will it be hitting the main stream?!?!?! and when did hollywood starlets start admitting that they aren't perfect??? i must have missed this news flash as i was probably too engrossed in looking at a picture of brit brit in a hot pink wig scarfing down some cheetos...

seriously though, there are way too many fatalities due to dui's. there were 16,885 alcohol-related fatalities in 2005 – 39 percent of the total traffic fatalities for the year - that is ridiculous...16,885 fatalities?!?!?! does this number not lend itself to hollywood? do they not see this as an issue??? 16,885 fatalities would wipe out the entire town that i went to h.s. in...

alms for the poor...

2008-01-10T10:28:00.000-05:00

oh mary kate...i thought you had more than enough money to prohibit you from resorting to pan-handling on the mean streets of nyc...

alas, this does not seem to be the case:

glad to see that whole 'bo-ho chic' thing you and ashley had going on has been replaced with '90s-plaid-wearing-boot-wearing-cigarette-smoking-homeless-angry-femme' look.

horse-face strikes again!!!

2008-01-10T10:21:00.000-05:00

so the on-again-off-again relationship between heidi 'the horse-face' montag and spencer 'the original douche bag of the week' pratt seems to be back on again...at least that's how they played it up for the paps on a recent vacation to cabos. here, douche bag attempts to show everyone how strong he is:

i do give him some credit since horse-face's new and improved breasts add about 10 lbs to her frame, but he seems to be doing an awful lot of straining...

and do you see the look on horse-face's face??? this can only mean one thing............

she just did the world a favor and farted all over douche bag.

one of the great speakers of our time

2008-01-09T09:42:00.000-05:00

j.ho is in next month's issue of bazaar magazine where she gives some insight to her pregnancy:

'i kind of feel like everybody knew anyway,' the singer tells harper's bazaar for its february issue. 'i was on tour with a bubble gut!'

a bubble gut...interesting...i'm sure the wee ones will be especially appreciative of that one in a few years...

some things never change...

2008-01-08T14:29:00.000-05:00

you would think that in light of the most recent events in the life of brit brit, someone would have told her to lay low/stay indoors/put a leash on her...

however this does not seem to be the case:

no bra...................................check
double chin.............................check
no seat belt............................check
nasty unwashed hair................check
$2 earrings from claire's............check
video of her in nothing but a men's shirt on a hotel balcony bending over to feed her pap-boyfriend a fudgesicle not more than 12 hours after release from the hospital.............check
in one of her other 7 cars since her legendary white mercedes has been impounded after she left it in the middle of the street because it broke down on her................................check

a blast from the past...

2008-01-08T14:23:00.000-05:00

so back when i was growing up...before the likes of brit brit, pair pair, and la la lindsay...it was a time of peace, merriment, and solidarity...

it was a time of american gladiators.

now this tradition has come back to us in the form of...........american gaydiators.

behold: titan - american gaydiator!!!

or maybe that's roger clemens during the height of his hgh addiction???

gettin' schmedumacated

2008-01-08T09:44:00.000-05:00

well its nice to know one of them is going to be educated...

here is j.l. walking around with mommy dearest with a ged book in her hand:

maybe she can tutor sis on 'how not to lose your mind in 10 days'...

p.r.e.g.g.e.r.s.

2008-01-08T09:42:00.000-05:00

well its nice to see one bleach blonde who is pregnant, above the age of 26, and married...

check out that baby bump!!!:

i think i have bigger bumps after a big meal...

art imitating life...

2008-01-04T14:19:00.001-05:00

i know brit brit just came out with a new album recently, but i have the perfect album cover for her when she comes out with her next lp. all you have to do is vote on the title of the album:

'you drive me crazy: in the literal sense y'all'
'oops i broke my probation again'
'i'm a slave in a straight jacket'
'hit the padded wall one more time'
'mentally mind-fu*ked by frappuccinos and cheetos'
'CRACKed in two y'all'
'gimmie gimmie lithium'
'i'm not a girl, not yet a grandmother'
'she's so lucky she's a crazy slave 4 Ur toxic love...y'all'

halt the presses!!!

2008-01-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

brit brit was taken into custody via ambulance and a hospital trip last night! she remains hospitalized at cedars-sinai medical center, but here's the latest footage of the pop star late last night. brit brit was taken to the hospital strapped to a gurney shortly after midnight friday morning after authorities had earlier arrived at the residence to intervene in a custody dispute between brit brit and her ex-husband, kfed. there, authorities determined that brit brit was under the influence of an unknown substance.

beauty queen gone bad...

2008-01-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

a former beauty queen has been accused of kidnapping, biting and threatening a former boyfriend with a handgun.

law school student kumari fulbright, 25, faces a long prison sentence if convicted of kidnapping, armed robbery, aggravated robbery and two counts of aggravated assault.

fulbright, who competed for the miss arizona title in 2005 and 2006, features in a 2008 calendar in which bikini-clad women pose with guns. she recently completed a stint working for a federal judge.

behold ms. december:

she is accused of holding and torturing her 24-year-old ex-boyfriend in early december with the help of three other men.

it is believed the dispute began when her ex-boyfriend was accused of stealing jewellery given to fulbright by another former boyfriend, robert ergonis, 44, who is one of the three men accused of helping in the kidnap plot.

the men allegedly bound the victim with plastic ties and duct tape and threatened him with a gun. fulbright is then accused of biting the man on his forearm, right hand and ear, holding a knife to his head and telling him she was going to kill him.

he managed to escape after freeing a hand and grabbing the gun, which discharged, causing no harm.

a police complaint said the suspects stole the victim's wallet, some money, his mobile phone and briefcase.

fulbright was freed from custody after a $50,000 bond was posted.

and now her new head shot:

nice one methface.

overpriced?

2008-01-04T09:07:00.000-05:00

looks like pair-pair's hourly rate went up to (count em): $7!!!

boston weather

2008-01-03T09:21:00.000-05:00

current conditions as of 8:54 am est:

fair
feels like: -10°
barometer: 30.47 in and rising
humidity: 43%
visibility: 10 mi
dewpoint: -7°
wind: nw 18 mph
sunrise: 7:13 am
sunset: 4:24 pm
current temperature: 8°
high: 18° low: 9°

can someone please please please explain to me why the temperature is stated to be 8° but feels like -10°? if it feels like -10° then its bloody -10°!!!

also, how is it possible for it to currently be 8° but our low for the day is 9°???

i need to move to tahiti...

what a perfect match!!!

2008-01-02T16:43:00.000-05:00

although everyone claims that kfed is not jamie lynn's baby's daddy, i don't buy it! the man's sole purpose on this planet is to impregnate women - specifically those of the spears clan...didn't you hear, lynn may be preggers by him too...okay, that may be a bit of a fabrication, but i'm having reminiscent tinglings of the song, 'i'm my own grandpa' in my head...

anywho, here is another bleach blonde who wants a baby...given that kfed is merely touching her, i can say with relative certainty that she is already pregnant with triplets...who she will call tinkerbell, marilyn monroe, and bambi after her dogs.

oh kobe...

2008-01-02T15:09:00.000-05:00

as an honor to hall-of-famer jerry west, the los angeles lakers wore vintage uniforms in the first half of their game against the celtics on sunday night. the lakers lost to the celtics 110-91.

most lakers appeared intent on covering the thighs with some longer spandex leggings (aka spanx...as in spanx for wearing something under them!!!). sadly, we have now all been made more aware of kobe's nasty case of chickenlegitis...for which there is no cure.

engaged?!?!?!

2008-01-02T15:03:00.000-05:00

now its not so much the fact that kim 'i'm famous for nothing other than my fat ass' kardashian is grinding said ass into reggie 'heisman trophy' bush that intrigues me about this picture (i expect that from trash)...

its more the chick in the gold sequins dress who is looking on in fascination that creeps me out...

p.s. does she look like chyna to anyone else?!?!?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2008-01-02T15:00:00.001-05:00

a few things to note:

i am getting married this year
resolution #1: lose about 20 lbs by july
i am getting married this year
resolution #2: no spending of extraneous $$$
did i mention i am getting married this year?
resolution #3: grad school grad school grad school
i will try to be nicer to everyone...with the exception of celebrities and stupid people

hope everyone had a great new years!!!

dumb laws

2007-12-28T09:37:00.000-05:00

a great big thanks to mike for sending me this link. now i have something to do to kill time until lunch. for a preview, here is a list of dumb laws in massachusetts (my current residence) and texas (my home state):

massachusetts:

it is illegal to give beer to hospital patients
candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol
shooting ranges may not set up targets that resemble human beings
at a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches
snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked
an old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public
taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts
all men must carry a rifle to church on sunday
hunting on sundays is prohibited
it is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath
a woman can not be on top in sexual activities
no gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car
tattooing and body piercing is illegal
children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes
tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder - take that ny!!!
quakers and witches are banned
bullets may not be used as currency
massachusetts liquor stores can only open on sundays if they are in berkshire, essex, franklin, middlesex or worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the vermont or new hampshire borders
alcoholic drink specials are illegal
public boxing matches are outlawed

and now texas:

one must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office
it is illegal to sell one's eye
a program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather
when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone
it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing
up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos
it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel
it is illegal to milk another person's cow
a recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed
homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense
the entire encyclopedia britannica is banned in texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home

stars weaknesses...

2007-12-28T09:02:00.000-05:00

so today on people.com they had celebrities' vices around the holidays when it comes to food. take a guess as to what these stars had to say:

vanessa hudgens
"i just love _______ and i can't give it up," the high school musical 2 star says. "i find myself eating it all the time, even when i don't want to be. it just appears in my mouth!"

hmmmmmmmmmm...i can only imagine what ms. hudgens has difficulty keeping out of her mouth...

dana delaney
wisteria lane's most secretive resident spills on her diet breaker. "i drink a lot of ______, i admit it," delaney says.

you can take several guesses at this one...pretty much anything would foot the bill given hollywood's growing dui list...

carrie underwood
the country singer admits to indulging during the holiday season. "expect carrie to put on a few pounds, because i will not deny myself ____________," she says.

putting on a few pounds???...wow - she might actually look like a normal woman then...

heidi montag
the hills star admits to a weakness for _______ when dining out with boyfriend spencer 'the original douche bag' pratt. "i just love those!" she says.

hmmmmmmm...another toughie...perhaps fake breasts??? fake personality??? fake smile??? fake anything???

festivus week at work...

2007-12-26T10:32:00.000-05:00

so to those who don't know, i have to work this week. yes, every day (save for christmas)...same with next week with the exception of the 1st. needless to say, its been dead here...although given i work in a hospital, that may not be the best depiction...its been really ridiculously slow... so slow, that i have had the following thoughts since monday:

i am so bored
i should really file
my officemate is out so i don't even have anyone to talk to...
no.one.has.called.me.
is it 5:00 pm yet?
i love love love my new longchamp bag!
i wonder how many games of text twist i can play in an hour???
b.o.r.e.d.
everyone at people.com, dlisted, go fug yourself, and perez hilton have the day off so i have no trash to read on celebrities...depressing...
a sense of fulfillment: i filed!
and now i'm bored again...
if a girl wears sweats to work and no one is around to see her, did she really wear sweats???
ugh...all that's left to eat in the kitchen are leftover candies from people's holidays...if your family didn't want to eat it, neither do i...
my text twist high score is: 44080...not too shabby
ooooooooooh...a phone call!!!...and its a telemarketer...BASTARDS!!!
is it lunchtime yet?
i wonder if i could read my book at my desk...
so...many...sales...today...
i bet my boss is having a bitchin' time on vacation right now...better than my last one...
another phone call!...and its a wrong number...
it has only recently come to my attention how much the baptist hospital looks like your typical hollywood insane asylum from the window in my office...
i want to be home cuddling with mike
i have way too many gift cards to know what to do with myself...that means shopping this weekend!
is it the weekend yet?
i should really clean my office
i miss new episodes of the office...damn writers strike!!!
mmmmmmmmm...john krasinski...
i wish i could teach my cats how to do my job...then i could stay home all day and nap like them
its only 10:49 am?!?!?!
no one is here...no one is here...
phone call!...no i don't know who is covering a specific nurse whom i never work with...
must.keep.eyes.open.
i am in physical pain when i'm this bored.
i wish someone would come to my office so i could eat lunch with them
why don't i work for a university life half of my friends/relatives so that i automatically get the 21st through the 1st off???
these next four working days are never going to end...

a serious life matter!!!

2007-12-21T15:56:00.000-05:00

a google chat about appetizer plates:

so mike and i are both super busy at work right now (lie)...so much in fact that i barely had enough time (lie) to check our wedding registries to see if anyone had bought anything...a small obsession of mine... one of the many items we have on one of them was a few sets of appetizer plates which, sadly, are no longer available. since that is the case, we were trying to figure out which ones we wanted to get instead.

me being the on-the-ball type of bride (but not quite a bridezilla - which i think trusty julie would attest to), i had already found a replacement...in addition to a few other serving items that would match the new appetizer plates. i sent mike the links, he reviewed, and agreed like a good husband-to-be should. i told him i'm glad he agreed since i had already made my mind up. his response:

mike: sooooo, basically you just wanted to nicely tell me that you had
already done it but wanted me to feel like my input is appreciated?

me: see...you are ready for marriage!!!

holiday card

2007-12-19T10:03:00.000-05:00

this year, mike and i thought we might spice things up a bit for our holiday card and use a portrait of the two of us...

BEHOLD! our tidings of good cheer!:

wow...oh wow...

2007-12-19T09:23:00.000-05:00

so i got home from volleyball last night to a text message from julie stating:

jamie lynn spears is preggers

now i know she expects me to run with this and blog-blog-blog away about it. however, given the sensitive nature of her current situation and her age, i feel as though i need to take the higher road and not say anything since there is already enough speculation out there as to what is going on in the spears' household.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...just kidding...i would never let you guys down like that!!!

upon hearing this news, my mind had been in overdrive!!! a few of my thoughts:

the only way this could possibly get any better is if kfed is the daddy...
after hearing that the daddy is not kfed (a disappointment on my end) and that it is someone whom she met at church, i wondered what cult mrs. lynn spears has her going to that teaches the whole sex before marriage thing...
i wonder if the daddy is the 60 year-old homeless bum running said cult???
i then found out that the daddy is in fact her longtime boyfriend casey aldridge...who is 19...who apparently doesn't know to double glove that s*it...
mrs. lynn spears' book on parenting has been delayed indefinitely...it's delayed, not cancelled stated a spokeswoman for thomas nelson, the publishing company who is set to release her book...which also publishes inspirational books and bibles...
the comment "a rep for spears was not immediately available for comment" has become so ingrained in my head that i forgot brit brit had a younger sis and thought she was preggers again...which may also be true...
'white trash breeding more white trash' on the next jerry springer...
you know charles darwin had it all wrong...the whole 'survival of the fittest' has taken a backseat to 'survival of the scantily clad sluts of lousiana'...
lindsay lohan - congratulations on your 'get out of paparazzi free' card...
jamie lynn, do the public a favor and wait until you're at least 20 and have two more buggers to enlist in welfare...
brit brit reportedly had no idea and found out when everyone else in the general public did and was in shock...so much shock that she ate twice her weight in cheeto pie!!!
do you hear that??? that is the sound of 'zoey 101', jamie lynn's show on nickelodeon's (one of their highest-rated), being cancelled and nickelodeon going belly-up...
tmz broke this story...i need to send them a holiday card...

if it weren't for bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all...

2007-12-14T11:14:00.000-05:00

so mike and i did in fact make the earlier flight last night which was one of the first to land last night at logan after it re-opened. since there was a severe lack of taxis, the security guard at the airport was trying to consolidate passengers going to multiple locations into one taxi to expedite travel. we were put into a cab with another couple going to brighton (which was somewhat on the way) and found out after pulling away from the taxi stand that the first group would pay what the meter showed and the second group would pay what the meter showed minus $2 when they arrived at their location. needless to say, this was not fair at all, but we couldn't do much of anything seeing that it was 1:00 am and we had already left logan.

the couple in brighton needed to get to the 1700 block of comm ave and gave the driver specific instructions as to how they would like to get there. we got on the pike heading that direction only to have to stop in the middle of the pike for the cab driver to get out of the cab and pull his windshield wipers off of his windshield since they had frozen and weren't working. this didn't help and we continued the drive in the active snow sans windshield wipers. of course, he thought this would be an opportune time to get on his cell and turn up the radio to increase our safety...

continuing on our way, mike and i noticed that we were going an awfully long way outside of the city to get into brighton (the male of the other couple has only lived here for 5 months and the female was visiting - both of whom made it known that they didn't really know the best way anywhere). mike piped up when we were on storrow drive down past harvard u. and were making our way back to brighton to double back to newton to drop us off. needless to say, we were about 8 minutes from our place (we got off storrow near new balance) and called the driver out on how he was really taking us for a ride. his defense was that all the streets in the city were closed (lie) and that he couldn't get into any of them from where we were (lie). meantime, the guy from the other couple took this opportunity to tell him that he was full of shit since he had used the t to get to logan to pick up his friend and that, while it was still snowing, the streets were perfectly clear and there had been plenty of drivers on the roads.

the four of us decided to tell the cabbie to pull over at the intersection of western ave. and market st. and we would take our chances on getting another cab from there. the driver pulled over and the meter said $26.80. the guys pulled their wallets out and were prepared to give him $13.40 each when the driver tells us that it is $26.80 each couple...which is crap (which we told him) but there wasn't anything we could do since he had our luggage in his trunk.

mike took the opportunity to chew the guy out and tell him he was full of horseshit while i was on the phone with the boston pd's taxi hotline lodging a complaint. finally we were able to get the bags after paying the cabbie when i decided that, with it now being 1:30 am and we were out in the middle of nowhere (so to speak) with no cabs or drivers other than plows, we would be best served to walk to the boston state police barracks located on the on-ramp from market st. to storrow drive. we did such and were greeted with 3 of the nicest troopers i have ever met (one of whom spent well over an hour trying every single cab company in the city - minus the one we had just taken - while the other two flagged down cabs during their patrol and sent them to the barracks to help us and the other couple out). mike and i tried calling our friend karen who we had been traveling with who lives by northeastern to see if she might be able to get there seeing as every single cab company was closed or, the few that were open, didn't have any cabs in the area; my brother who lives down the street from us, and mike's sister who lives in brighton to see if any of them could come get us. finally the trooper was able to get a cab company with a taxi dispatched to come pick up one of the couples (which would be there in 20 minutes...which turned into over an hour) so we let the other couple take the first cab (which mike helped him pay for since the guy had little $ left after the first cab) and waited for another one...and waited...and waited...and waited...

finally around 3:00 am another cab that had been flagged down by one of the troopers (mind you they had literally put out an apb for any taxis in the area to be flagged down and sent to the barracks for us) and we were on our way home.

we got home around 3:30 am and were nothing but elated to be back. we walked in dropped our bags and proceeded to go into our apartment in search of our cats and our bed (where you find one, you will find the other). when i turned on our bedroom light and walked in i immediately noticed that my jewelry box was open...then i noticed that my bureau drawers were open...when i walked around our bed i noticed that half of the contents of my bureau were scattered on the floor...then i turned and looked at mike's bureau and noticed that his drawers were open and had been rifled through. i immediately got my brother on the phone (again) and asked if he had, for any reason, gone into our bedroom (he had been coming once a day to feed our cats). he said no and it was then that mike and i noticed that our front door had clearly been kicked in since the chain from the door was hanging from the door and was no longer securing our apartment.

yes, that's right...after everything else last night we came home to find that our apartment had been broken into. nothing is noticeably missing (other than some cash mike was holding onto to pay back someone from brookline h.s. for the food stand they run during volleyball games), but we were instructed by the cop that showed up to take our statement not to touch anything in the event that one of the detectives would want to come out today to dust for prints (he didn't think that there was much of anything that they might be able to lift prints from).

needless to say, we didn't get into bed until well past 5:00 am and that was with half the lights on in the apartment since i was both exhausted and still spooked.

so now we're playing the waiting game to see what we have to do next...remind me never to go on vacation again...

a size 2?!?!?!

2007-12-03T15:26:00.000-05:00

maybe she forgot the 1 in front of the 2???

ms. hewitt, i hate to break it to you, but you are not a size 2...and if you are, then you are about 3'7" tall...now don't get me wrong...i'm no size zero myself (at 5'11" i would be worried if i were)...and i am happy that you are perfectly content with your body (as you and every woman should be), but please don't try to convince us that, in this photo, you are a size 2...perhaps back when you were on party of 5 (and i was jealous of all the time you got to spend with scott wolf and matthew fox) you were a size 2...but no longer my sister from another mister...

what a difference six decades can make...

2007-12-03T15:23:00.001-05:00

lauren bacall, i have the utmost respect for you...if i ever were to meet up with you in a dark alley, i would cower in fear...

especially if you were looking like a homeless meth addict...

brit brit is my age?!?!?!

2007-12-03T15:20:00.000-05:00

brit brit celebrated her birthday over the weekend...she turned the big 2-6!!! vegas has 25-to-1 odds that she'll live to see 30...

given the first pic, i understand the need to wear her sunglasses inside...

eat a candy bar...

2007-12-03T15:19:00.000-05:00

i always wondered what a stick on crack in a cheap red bra would look like...

now i know.

have some r-e-s-p-e-c-t...

2007-12-03T15:10:00.000-05:00

for your arteries!:

oh aretha, what the deuce happened?!?!?!

oh mags...

2007-12-03T15:09:00.000-05:00

you have looked better my friend:

looks like someone was playing truth or dare with a time machine and lost...big time...

you know, they make a cream for that...

2007-12-03T15:06:00.000-05:00

the one and only time i am convinced a celebrity didn't have botox:

she says she wants to start a family, due to her envy towards nicole, even though she doesn't have a boyfriend...thank god for clinical donations...although a 'donation' may be how this lip problem of hers started...

letting them air out...

2007-12-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

you know all living mammals need oxygen to breathe...and i know posh's breasticles have been holding their breath for years...this is merely proof:

she can read?!?!?!

2007-12-03T14:24:00.000-05:00

is that...no...it can't be...brit brit is carrying a barnes & noble bag?!?!?!:

i bet its full of pop-up books on how cheetos and frappuccino are made...

hello???

2007-12-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

for those faithful readers i send out my deepest apologies for not updating in forever...i know many of you rely on these confessions of a shoe slut to make it through your otherwise hectic, over-scheduled, and sometimes boring days at work.

but the drought is over and my cup runeth over again...

i.am.back.

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - 1-4

2007-11-16T14:48:00.000-05:00

yes, i am aware that cyprus isn't technically a part of europe...but hey, its pretty close!!! i can't help if my fail-safe crazy germans haven't done anything too crazy in the past 24 hours...i'm working with nothing here people...

cypriot seeks to unravel curse with pants and egg
friday november 16, 3:22 am

nicosia (reuters) - having marital problems? have you tried putting egg in your underpants?

a woman in cyprus is on trial for sorcery after pledging to shake off a curse apparently plaguing a man's relationship with his wife and mother-in-law.

the suggested remedy consisted of an egg, a spoon, a nail, some pubic hairs and underpants, local media reported on friday.

"she cracked the egg into my underpants," the 37-year-old man told a district court in the capital nicosia.

the elderly woman wanted some 5,000 cyprus pounds (5,968 pounds) for her efforts, the man said, so he went to police.

sorcery is banned in cyprus though many people indulge in card readings and palmistry and read runes in coffee cups.

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - a baker's dozen - take 2

2007-11-15T14:18:00.000-05:00

and now an article found by justin:

pasta panic strikes italy
the price of wheat is up 60% this year, and in italy they're taking to the streets over the cost of tortellini, writes fortune's peter gumbel.

(fortune magazine) -- something unusual is going on in the pasta section of the largest supermarket in parma, italy, these days. all the pasta is still there, stacked on both sides of a tennis-court-length aisle in the center of the store. the dizzying choice, too, is the same as in many italian supermarkets: dozens of shapes, sizes, and colors, ranging from banal penne and rigatoni to lumachine, shaped like tiny snail shells.

what's new are the big signs fluttering above the aisle and affixed to the partitions at the ipercoop market, a short drive from parma's city center. in capital letters, they declare, WE ARE NOT MOVING.

the movement in question has to do with the price of pasta, which has jumped about 20% this year for some varieties, touching off a nationwide protest. but the story behind the price hike is a global saga involving agricultural policies, commodity-market speculation, the growing use of ethanol as an alternative fuel, and Australian drought.

italian pasta producers have taken great pains to justify the increase by pointing to the soaring cost of wheat, which has increased by 60% over the past year. that's an excuse the conspiracy-crazed italians aren't buying.

"yes, the price of wheat has risen, but it has simply gone back to 1985 levels. so who's been profiting from low prices these past 20 years?" asks rosario trefiletti, president of the federconsumatori consumers' association in rome.

trefiletti's association, along with three others, has been so incensed by the price hikes - according to their calculations, spaghetti is up by an average of 27% this year - that they called a pasta strike in september. for one day consumers were urged not to buy pasta (although in a country that consumes more than five times as much pasta per head as the u.s., nobody said anything about not eating it).

"it was a huge success," trefiletti says. it has certainly brought results. the government, which knows a good populist issue when it sees one, began holding talks with producers, farmers, and consumer lobbyists, who are calling for tougher controls and price safeguards for food staples. "the government can't impose lower prices," says carlo pileri, who heads another consumer group, "but it can do moral suasion."

then came the regulators. on october 23rd, italy's antitrust agency announced it was launching a formal investigation to determine whether italian pasta producers have been engaging in illegal price fixing. the producers vehemently deny the charge, but they and italian retailers are clearly on the defensive. hence the big signs at the parma ipercoop promising not to raise prices on the store-brand pasta, at least until the end of the year.

for guido barilla, chairman of the eponymous $3.4 billion parma-based family company that is the world's largest pasta producer, this italian melodrama is missing the point. barilla raised prices 15% this year, and for him it's self-evident that higher wheat prices have to feed through to consumers at some point. pasta is a low-margin business, and flour is one of just two principal ingredients, along with water.

"wheat makes up 60% of the price," he says, pointing to a box of penne on a table. what irks him is not so much the public fuss in italy, which he dismisses with a shrug, but one of the reasons prices are rising in the first place: the growing use of agricultural crops to make ethanol and other alternative fuels. "agriculture for energy is an extremely stupid thing," barilla says. "it's very inefficient."

italians aren't alone in this struggle. rising bread and flour prices have sparked protests across drought-stricken morocco, where the wheat crop dropped by 76% this year. public disturbances have also been reported in yemen, niger, and the ivory coast.

and it's not just wheat that's soaring. milk prices are at record highs, and rice is up too. jacques diouf, the senegalese head of the un's rome-based food and agriculture organization (fao), spoke last month about the risk of upheaval across the developing world. "if you combine the increase of oil prices and the increase of food prices," he said, "then you have the elements of a very serious crisis in the future."

governments from cairo to dhaka are looking to head off that prospect by offsetting higher wheat costs however they can. in september the egyptian government jacked up its bread subsidies by 50%, to $2.5 billion.

in richer countries, too, the hikes are spurring authorities to action. in Japan, where the government is the sole importer of wheat, bread prices have gone up for the first time in two decades. russia, ukraine, and kazakhstan have imposed restrictions on their wheat exports to ensure that their domestic markets don't lose out in the rush by traders to make money abroad.
and in september the european union reversed a 20-year-old policy that required farmers to leave 10% of their land fallow. the aim of abandoning the so-called set-aside policy is to spur a quick boost in production of wheat, oats, and barley.

the big winners in all this, at least for now: american wheat farmers. production is up about 14%, while exports, aided by the weakening dollar, are expected to rise more than 25% this year. stocks are at their lowest level since the late 1940s. best of all, prices have jumped to an average yearly price of $249 a metric ton for hard red winter wheat, more than double what it was in 2000.

"the early-season pace of wheat export sales and shipments has been blistering," reports the usda's october wheat outlook. at the washington, d.c., trade group u.s. wheat associates, spokesman ateve mercer points out that "we were the only ones who had wheat to sell for a while this year."

the boom could be short-lived. fao wheat expert abdolreza abbassian warns that a flurry of production increases by farmers trying to take advantage of the price rises may soon make itself felt. "it could all lead to a short-term glut," he says. indeed, wheat futures have eased since peaking in late september.

wheat experts point to four factors that have combined to propel prices higher. the first and most significant is to be found in australia, one of the world's biggest wheat producers, where two harvests in a row have been ravaged by drought at a time crops in other big exporting nations, such as argentina and canada, have been less than stellar.

second, stocks of wheat are at the lowest since 1983, a consequence of changing agricultural policy in both the u.s. and the eu, which no longer encourage excess production or subsidize exports as much as they used to. commodity market speculation is also rife, as hedge funds and others bet heavily on rising prices created by worldwide demand.

and finally there's barilla's gripe: the growing use of crops for fuel. wheat isn't directly affected; in the u.s. it's mainly corn that is used for ethanol, while in europe soy is converted into biodiesel. but there is an indirect effect on wheat as farmers switch to more lucrative crops. that's a stance actively encouraged by the bush administration and the eu.

barilla thinks that's crazy. for one thing, it requires a huge and expensive use of water. it will require a big increase in the amount of food produced in the future. and he worries that the quality of the crops will drop. "this policy will have a tremendous effect," he frets. his skepticism is shared by the international monetary fund, which took the u.s. and european biofuel policies to task in a recently published report, arguing that they are "sustaining inefficient production patterns."

sitting in his taxi outside parma's ipercoop, white-haired andrea pattacino doesn't quite know whom to believe. he talks darkly about "speculators" driving up pasta prices and worries that it will hurt poor families. but he also points out that a few pennies on a bag of pasta that costs less than $1 a pound isn't going to break the bank. "we italians are masters of subterfuge," he says. "there's always speculation."

walk into carmela ugo's pasta and bakery store on garibaldi street in the center of town, near the 12th-century pink-marble baptistery, and she'll give you a completely different take. she took over the store 32 years ago and caters to a steady stream of regulars who come in to buy the prosciutto- and parmesan-filled cappelletti it takes her four days to make, or the less laborious parma specialties such as tortelli stuffed with herbs, pumpkin, or potato.

"we're trying to resist raising prices," she says. "the danger is that the more they go up, the less people buy. but so far they're still buying." she stops to serve a customer a slice of focaccia for lunch before getting on to her pet peeve, the pasta strike.

"it was one of those stupid Italian things. just blown up by the media," she says. "if you're going to strike, you need to stage one like we had in the 1970s. back then, pasta stores and bakeries closed down altogether for the day." she beams. "now that was a real strike."

now thats a spicy meatball!!! perhaps i should look into adding 'wheat expert' in addition to 'sexual adviser' to my resume...hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - a baker's dozen

2007-11-15T14:04:00.001-05:00

oh those zany germans again!

pedophile allowed to work in kindergarten
thursday november 15, 2007 10:09 am

berlin (reuters) - a convicted pedophile sentenced to do community service in a german kindergarten will return to court next week to face charges of abusing two children there, a regional prosecutor's office said thursday.

the man was allowed to work as a janitor at the evangelical kindergarten st petri in melle, near the northern city of osnabrueck, because a court worker missed three prior pedophilia convictions on his record, said alexander retemeyer, spokesman for the osnabrueck prosecutor's office.

the man, identified only as a.b., had been sentenced to 720 hours of community service earlier this year for working on the sly while collecting welfare payments.

"the colleague didn't pay attention and didn't see he had a sexual conviction, so she allowed him to serve in a kindergarten," retemeyer said. "she didn't read the file."

the prior convictions date from 1988-1990, when the man was living in the former east germany, retemeyer said. though the convictions are listed in the man's criminal record, the details are unclear because prosecutors cannot access his east german police file.

police arrested the man in april after the head of the kindergarten reported he had fondled himself in front of two children.

so what your saying is that if we built a wall in the middle of america, our records could potentially not follow us??? its too damn bad o.j. didn't kidnap and hold hostages at gunpoint in miami...

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - one dozen

2007-11-14T11:17:00.000-05:00

a 2-for-1 deal!

police arrest teenage online furniture thief
wednesday november 14, 2007 11:08 am

amsterdam (reuters) - dutch police have made their first arrest of an online thief -- a 17-year-old accused of stealing virtual furniture from rooms in the habbo hotel -- a popular teen-ager networking web site.

an amsterdam police spokeswoman confirmed a report that the teen-ager was accused of stealing 4,000 euros ($5,864) worth of virtual furniture by hacking into the accounts of other users.

four other 15-year-olds have also been questioned in the case, which was instigated by the web site. they are suspected of moving the stolen furniture into their own online hotel rooms.

habbo users can create their own characters, decorate their own rooms and play a number of games, paying with habbo credits, which they have to buy with real cash.

habbo hotel is owned by finnish internet company sulake which said last month it had reached 80 million registered users of its sites in 31 countries.
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swiss tell german guy to learn german
wednesday november 14, 2007 11:10 am

zurich (reuters) - a 70-year old german seeking swiss citizenship was told to go back to school to learn his own native tongue despite being proficient in german, a swiss newspaper said.

the swiss town of dielsdorf ordered ulrich kring -- who lived in switzerland his entire life but is only now applying for citizenship -- to take a german language course to the tune of 250 swiss francs ($222.6), the tages-anzeiger newspaper said.

the class was obligatory for all foreigners seeking a swiss passport and the town would not make an exception for the german national, the newspaper said.

kring had lodged an appeal against the decision with a higher local authority, but had not had a reply yet.

roughly two-thirds of switzerland's 7.5 million inhabitants are german speakers. many german nationals find the swiss spoken dialect hard to understand, although the official written language taught in schools is the same as in germany.

there is a hot debate about immigration in switzerland, where some 20 percent of the population are foreigners, and some newspapers have criticized the big influx of immigrants from neighboring germany.

at least now i know what happened to my virtual futon...damn thieves!!!

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - snake eyes

2007-11-13T13:37:00.001-05:00

even erotic food has to follow the rules
tuesday november 13, 2007 9:58 am

oslo (reuters) - norway's largest erotic chain store was forced to change the labeling on products such as penis pasta, candy cuffs and chocolate body painting, to comply with norwegian food regulations.

the norwegian food safety authority, whose goal it is to make sure consumers have healthy and safe food, conducted a surprise inspection at one of the chain's stores and found that several products violated food labeling regulations, top-selling tabloid vg reported on tuesday.

"we were a bit surprised to have the food safety authority on inspection. food is not really our core product," kjersti antonsen, a sexual adviser in the store, told vg.

products containing food must be marked with a norwegian label, listing all ingredients.

"we have panties, bras, handcuffs and suspender belts made out of candy," antonsen said, adding that the store will comply with the regulations and label all its food products.

the food safety authority also said the store also breached rules of importing erotic candy, which should be reported to authorities at least 24 hours before arrival.

i think i would like to be a sexual adviser - its just the boost my resume is looking for...but i may have to do something about the suspender belts made out of candy...

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - dix

2007-11-12T09:40:00.000-05:00

dammit! i forgot to blog yesterday...oh well, guess i'm out of the running...

regardless, the show must go on...unless you're a stage hand on broadway or a writer in hollywood.

it's official: you don't have to live in france

london (reuters) - ask most britons if they would rather live in france and they'd probably answer "oui." but british judges have ruled that two english boys who hate living there don't have to.

the boys, 11 and 16, who have a french mother and a british father, were taken to live in france after the parents' marriage broke down. but during a visit to england they asserted their "britishness" and refused to return to live with their mother.

the mother took the case to court, arguing that she had a right to decide where they should live and that the father had put the children up to it, the times newspaper reported.

but three of britain's most senior judges decided the boys had an inherent right to refuse to live in france, where nearly 300,000 britons have chosen to live.

describing the case as "not just exceptional but very exceptional," the chief judge said it was clear the children really disliked the country and hadn't settled in.

they preferred england because, apparently, they could "walk to school, could have their own key and would not have to do as much homework."

in his ruling the judge said he had "rarely, if ever, heard such strongly expressed views by children."

i would have moved to england too for less homework growing up, but some of us didn't have those options... when my parents divorce happened, i think i would have chosen to go live in bali, fiji, grand cayman...at least the location would have been AWESOME!!!

blog for the day:

2007-11-10T23:05:00.000-05:00

drinking with the friends...

that is all.

d.b. of the week

2007-11-09T13:00:00.000-05:00

daddy can't get you out of this one...even if he is the hulk...

this week's d.b. of the week is one nicholas bollea (a.k.a. nick hogan - son of world famous wrestler hulk hogan and brother of walking disaster brooke hogan). nick was FINALLY arrested wednesday morning for reckless driving involving serious bodily injury from an accident that took place in august.

no need to fret - he wasn't the one who was hurt (whew!). instead, he left his friend, 22-year-old john graziano iii, critically injured. john remains in the hospital, reportedly on life support.

how did it happen? investigators say nick was racing his toyota supra against a dodge viper, driven by another one of his friends, when he lost control and crashed into a tree.

in addition to reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, nick is also charged with:

use of a motor vehicle in commission of a felony

a person under the age of 21 operating a vehicle with a breath-alcohol level of .02 or higher

illegal window tint

really...you thought your supra would beat a viper??? you're about as dumb as your sister...luckily the masses need not worry - you have wasted no time traveling the world while one of your best friends lies in a hospital hooked up to machines sustaining what little of his life is left...

beverly hills 90210..oh...oh...oh...

2007-11-09T12:58:00.000-05:00

my god luke perry looks like a used car salesman:

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - neun

2007-11-09T09:24:00.001-05:00

this is a 3-for-1 deal folks...and you have the citizens of berlin, germany to thank for it...it's like brit brit sucking down her frappuccino with a side of cookies and cheeto pie...
______________________________________________________________

man forgets car at gas station
friday november 9, 2007 8:08 am

berlin (reuters) - a german man forgot his car after filling it up at a petrol station, police said friday.

"he just forgot about it and walked off home," said a spokesman for police in the western city of wuppertal.

after the car had sat blocking the pump for about an hour, a woman working at the petrol station became suspicious and alerted authorities.

officers contacted the 63-year-old from remscheid, who came straight back to fetch the vehicle. he had paid to fill up the car before walking off.
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bank manager gives woman loans for sex
friday november 9, 2007 8:24 am

berlin (reuters) - a german bank manager gave loans to a woman for sex and then embezzled thousands of euros to buy the silence of her relatives, authorities said on thursday.

when the man realized he could not offer the jobless woman a loan because of her poor credit history, he offered to lend her the money personally in return for sexual favors, said a spokesman for a court in the southern town of tuebingen.

the 31-year-old then stole the money from the bank. the pair continued their arrangement for the next three years.

in total, the man diverted some 520,000 euros ($760,000) from clients' accounts, of which he gave about 70,000 euros to the woman, and kept 40,000 euros for himself.

the biggest chunk of the cash went to her relatives who were blackmailing the bank manager, a married man with children. the manager had himself told her cousin about the sex deal.

"as incredible as it sounds, that's what he told us," the tuebingen court spokesman said. "the cousin was suspicious and she called him to ask how the woman had got a loan."

the court said bank officials uncovered the ruse after probing irregularities linked to the man's handling of other loans. the court gave the man, who confessed, a jail sentence of three years and nine months.
______________________________________________________________

flasher strips off in court
friday november 9, 2007 8:35 am

berlin (reuters) - a german flasher stunned lawyers during his appeal hearing on a flashing conviction by stripping off in court, authorities said thursday.

"the court withdrew for deliberations and during the adjournment the man removed his clothes again," said a spokesman for the court in the western city of duisburg. "it appears he sees it as art, and views himself as a living work of art."

the 60-year-old was in court to appeal against his conviction for running onto the pitch naked during a girl's soccer match and striking a range of "body builder poses," the spokesman said.

state prosecutors filed fresh charges of indecent behavior against the man after the court incident.

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - the ocho

2007-11-08T09:41:00.000-05:00

berlin: what says christmas like a serial killer?

berlin (reuters) - a german advent calendar for children has become a hot seller since word got out it has a picture of a notorious serial killer on it.

the cartoon calendar shows fritz haarmann, who murdered 24 young men and boys in the 1920s, lurking under a tree with a hatchet next to the door for december 1. below him, santa claus hands out presents to children in a festive-looking hanover.

a local tourism office included the serial killer alongside 23 other celebrities in the northern city, including philosopher gottfried leibniz and hard rock band the scorpions.

haarmann's depiction featured in last year's edition, but this year it is attracting wider attention because top-selling newspaper bild questioned whether the use of the murderer in a children's calendar was in good taste.

"people are queuing up to buy the calendar now," said a surprised hans nolte, director of the city's tourism board.

nolte said he expected the initial 20,000 copy run of the calendar to sell out soon as orders were pouring in from berlin, vienna and other parts of austria. proceeds from the sales are going towards a local charity for children with cancer.

"it's part of our history," nolte said.

nonetheless, the serial killer, who was beheaded in 1925, will not appear in next year's edition, nolte said.

a part of your history, eh? so should we expect a hitler laden advent calendar to come out next year...or is half of your country still pretending that didn't happen?

inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe - 007

2007-11-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

ich un berliner!!!

german steeple challenges leaning tower of pisa

november 7, 2007

berlin (reuters) - the guinness book of world records has ruled that a church steeple in germany, not the famous leaning tower of pisa, is the most tilted tower in the world.

the 25.7-metre steeple tilts at an angle of 5.07 degrees, while the tower of pisa tilts at just 3.97 degrees, said olaf kuchenbecker, head of guinness's german edition.

"when you lay photos of the two next to each other you can see it relatively clearly," kuchenbecker said.

the new record, scheduled to appear next autumn in the 2009 edition of the guinness book of world records, could strip the pisa tower of its iconic status, kuchenbecker said.

the 15th century german church tower stands in suurhusen, a small village near emden in northwestern germany. although its tilt angle is greater than pisa's tower, it has less than half the italian tower's height and none of its ornate beauty.

kuchenbecker will present the village with a certificate commemorating the record on thursday.

600 years standing and all i get is this lousy certificate?!?!?! aaaah man...

waiting to exhale

2007-11-06T14:57:00.000-05:00

apparently now that jlo was outed by roberto cavalli (her designer for her tour) as to her conception status, she has freed herself of her inhibitions and has decided to proudly show off her baby bump with husband marc anthony:

however, she looks as though she's holding her breath which is what is making her ENTIRE head expand...seriously...this doesn't look like the jenny from the block that i know...

p.s. - marc...please button your shirt...mike's big toe has more hair on it than your chest.

on the sixth day of inane and slightly ridiculous news from europe, my true love gave to me...

2007-11-06T09:48:00.000-05:00

a story about a giant plane...

rome, italy: ready to land

rome's leonardo da vinci international airport in fiumicino is ready to welcome the arrival of the new airbus 380 aircraft, the world's largest passenger jetliner, airport officials said. the new double-decker plane, which can carry as many as 853 passengers, made its commercial maiden voyage on a singapore airlines flight from singapore to sydney, australia.

"thanks to three parking places at our west satellite terminal for intercontinental flights and three other parking areas, as well as infrastructure services for passengers, fiumicino is the first italian airport ready to welcome the new giant of the skies," an airport official said.

known as the 'superjumbo', the a380 has a range of 15,200km, long enough to fly new york to hong kong non-stop, and has a cruising speed of some 900kph. singapore airlines reduced the plane's passenger capacity to 470 in order to offer top-price luxury suits. tickets for the maiden voyage were auctioned off for charity, with some passengers paying more than $100,000.

$100,000...that's about what brit brit spent on frappuccinos and cheetos alone in 2007...

rapunzel...rapunzel...get rid of that cheap a** weave!!!

2007-11-05T11:01:00.000-05:00

ugh...i may not know a lot about the hair or hair piece industry, but this much i know:

you are allowed, on occasion, to wash it
you should have it changed regularly as your hair grows
it should, under no circumstances, look like this

there are no words...

2007-11-05T10:59:00.001-05:00

apparently in competition with his wife for attention, david beckham has decided to show more leg (and a bit more of everything else) while he plays...

secret white-bearded-gift-bearing-obese-male

2007-11-05T10:15:00.000-05:00

so every year my siblings and i do secret santa for each other...we set a cap of $50, provide a wish list, and go from there. even better is that my brother found a website set up like an evite that will allow you to post a wish list and then randomly, and anonymously, assign you to someone.

seeing as one of my brother's and i are engaged (not to each other you sickos), and my sister has been in a long-term relationship and is now living with her bf we have decided to include our significant others...who all happen to be jewish.

mike, my fiancé, didn't know what to ask for since a lot of what he wants for the holidays is well over $50 (ipod, oakley sunglasses, gps device for the car, etc.). being the attentive woman i am, i reminded him that he has been saying he wants some power tools too and that maybe that would be a more appropriately priced gift. he agreed and went online to find the exact one he wanted.

so what did he choose??? drill bits...not the drill...drill bits...

my response when he told me this:

drill bits??? you asked for drill bits??? jeesh...lead a jew to the secret santa and welcome him to get a gift...leave him to his own devices to choose a gift and he asks for drill bits...