she must not be 'psychologically normal'

a couple of hilarious voicemails (above) from a mega-douche named dimitri are currently making the internet rounds. it all started when d-bag dimitri met the "elegant" olga outside of a bar in san francisco. elegant olga made the mistake of giving him her business card...



what did we learn kids??? if you're in s.f. and a greek guy named dimitri approaches you RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

wedding facts 101

if the throngs of crazed customers clutching registry printouts at the crate & barrel are any indication, wedding season is once again upon us.

before you head off to the next joyous union on your jam-packed calendar, why not take a moment to reflect on rich history of marriage celebrations and revel in the realization that weddings are, at their core, incredibly bizarre.

the white wedding dress
technically, today's wedding gowns aren't white. they are "candlelight," "warm ivory," "ecru" or "frost." but there was a time when a bride's wedding attire was simply the best thing in her closet (talk about "off the rack"), and could be any color, even black.

to convince her groom that she came from a wealthy family, brides would also pile on layers of fur, silk and velvet, as apparently grooms didn't care if his wife-to-be reeked of sweaty b.o. as long as she was loaded.

it was dear ol' queen victoria (whose reign lasted from 1837-1901) who made white fashionable. she wore a pale gown trimmed in orange blossoms for her 1840 wedding to her first cousin, prince albert.
hordes of royal-crazed plebeians immediately began to copy her, which is an astonishing feat considering that "people magazine" wasn't around to publish the super exclusive wedding photos, or instruct readers on how to steal vicki's hot wedding style.

giving away the bride
remember that women's studies class you considered taking in college? allow us to summarize what you would have learned: all of our society's gender issues stem from the fact that fathers once used their daughters as currency to a) pay off a debt to a wealthier land owner, b) symbolize a sacrificial, monetary peace offering to an opposing tribe or c) buy their way into a higher social strata.

so next time you tear up watching a beaming father walk his little girl down the aisle, remember that it's just a tiny, barbaric little hold over from the days when daughters were nothing but dollar signs to daddy dearest.

and that veil she's wearing? yeah, that was so the groom wouldn't know if he was stuck with an uggo until it was time to kiss the bride and too late to back out on the transaction. (there is also some superstitious b.s. about warding off evil spirits, but we think you'll agree that hiding a busted grill from the husband-to-be is a more practical purpose.)

the wedding party
talk about your runaway brides -- the original duty of a "best man" was to serve as armed backup for the groom in case he had to resort to kidnapping his intended bride away from disapproving parents. the "best" part of that title refers to his skill with a sword, should the need arise. (you wouldn't want to take the "just okay" member of your weapon-wielding posse with you to steal yourself a wife, would you?)

the best man stands guard next to the groom right up through the exchange of vows (and later, outside the newlyweds' bedroom door), just in case anyone should attack or if a non-acquiescent bride should try to make a run for it.

it's said that feisty groups like the huns, goths and visigoths took so many brides by force that they kept a cache of weapons stored beneath the floorboards of churches for convenience. modern-day best men are more likely to store an emergency six-pack at the ceremony for convenience, but the title remains an apt one.

ladies -- believe it or not -- the concept of the bridesmaid's gown was not invented to inflict painful dowdiness upon the bride's friends and female relatives thus making the bride look hotter by comparison.

historically, that dress you'll never wear again was actually selected with the purpose of tricking the eye of evil spirits and jealous ex-lovers (spicy!). brides' faithful attendants were instructed to wear a dress similar to that of the bride so that during their group stroll to the church it would be hard for any ill-willed spirits or former boy-toys to spot the bride and curse/kidnap/throw rocks at her. (ditto for the boys in matching penguin suits, saving the groom from a similar fate.)

garter and bouquet toss
this pair of rituals has long been the scourge of the modern wedding guest. what could possibly be more humiliating than being forced out to the center of a parquet dance floor and being expected to demonstrate your desperation by diving for flying flowers?

how about grasping in the air for a lacy piece of undergarment that until moments ago resided uncomfortably close to the crotch of your buddy's wife? at any other point in time, that would make you seem wildly creepy. so why is it acceptable at a wedding?

it used to be that after the bride and groom said, "i do," they were to go immediately into a nearby room and consummate the marriage. obviously, to really make it official, there would need to be witnesses, which basically led to hordes of wedding guests crowding around the bed, pushing and shoving to get a good view and hopefully to get their hands on a lucky piece of the bride's dress as it was ripped from her body.

sometimes the greedy guests helped get the process going by grabbing at the bride's dress as she walked by, hoping for a few threads of good fortune. in time, it seems, people realized that this was all a bit, well... creepy, and it was decided that for modesty's sake the bride could toss her bouquet as a diversion as she made her getaway and the groom could simply remove an item of the bride's undergarments and then toss it back outside to the waiting throngs to prove that he was about to, uh, seal the deal.

something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue (and a sixpence in my shoe?)
a common theme that you've no doubt noticed throughout this post: humans used to be a superstitious bunch. this rhyming phrase neatly lists a number of english customs dating back to the victorian age which, when worn in combination, should bring the bride oodles of fabulous good luck.
the something old was meant to tie the bride to her family and her past, while the something new represented her new life as the property of a new family. the item borrowed was supposed to be taken from someone who was already a successfully married wife, so as to pass on a bit of her good fortune to the new bride. the color blue stood for all sorts of super fun things like faithfulness, loyalty, and purity. the sixpence, of course, was meant to bring the bride and her new groom actual, cold, hard fortune.

just in case that wasn't enough, brides of yore also carried bunches of herbs (which most brides now replace with expensive, out-of-season peonies) to ward off evil spirits.

saving the wedding cake
why do couples eat freezer-burned wedding cake on their one-year anniversary? to answer this, we must look to the lyrics of a schoolyard classic: first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage! it used to be assumed that when there was a wedding, a christening would follow shortly. so, rather than bake two cakes for the occasions, they'd just bake one big one and save a part of it to be eaten at a later date when the squealing bundle of joy arrived.

eventually folks warmed to the idea of giving the poor kid his own, newly baked cake, but the custom of saving a portion of the wedding cake far longer than it should be saved and then eating it and deluding oneself to believe that it actually tastes good is one that persists to this day.

M.I.A.

helloooooooooooo world!!!

yes, i am alive...breathing, heart beating, eyes wide open...all of those wonderful things associated with being vital!!! so i cannot apologize enough for my disappearance...i do have some very legitimate reasons though: my brother finished law school and was admitted to the bar, i have been hitting the gym, i was working 3 jobs, i am getting married in 31 days...

whoa...what?!?!?!

yes, you read that correctly...in exactly one month and i will be off the market...FOREVER!!!

now that really isn't as scary as i make it out to be since i have been with my fiance, mike whom you all have met, since 2003 and have known him since 2001...not to mention that we have been living together since 2004. so, really nothing will change beyond my last name.

this brings up a few thoughts on my impending nuptials:

1. when a man proposes, he really shouldn't ask, 'will you marry me'? it should be more of a, 'will you go into debt up to your eyeballs with me'?
2. i have known mike for a really long time
3. somehow, he isn't sick of me yet and wants to sign a long-term deal
4. i am super organized and have had a list the length of my arm of the things i still need to do before 'the big day' which i have been crossing things off of for the past 6 weeks...and i still have SO MUCH TO DO!!!
5. do you know how much of a pain in the a** it is to change your last name?!?!?! first you have to visit your local social security office (which does not have hours other than the hours i work - and did i mention that i have NO vacation time since the wedding and honeymoon will be gobbling it all up?) with your marriage license (which will take a few weeks to arrive in the mail). then you have to go get a new license...which is another trip to the oh-so-friendly DMV during the same hours i work. then i have to go to HR and let them know it is changing (technically i jumped the gun on this one and they have already processed it changing as of the date of our wedding...oops). then you need to let all of your credit card companies, banks, doctors offices, etc. know. plus i have to get a new passport. then i have to get used to introducing myself as mrs. frank...writing it, signing it, etc. and to think, he gets off scott free...
6. maybe once my wedding is over and done with (don't mind me, i really am looking forward to it...but at this point i am very much looking forward to drinking fruity beverages of the alcoholic nature on a white sand beach out of the fruit of my choosing) i can focus on getting back to school and getting my career on track rather than wasting my days and life away sitting in front of my computer hating my life...

any advice for me on the upcoming day???

what we all missed today while slaving away at work:

top ten

gmail chats with mike...

*this is in response to me posting a comment about how i did not deserve to be tased*

me: check your facebook wall
michael: well, you sucker punched me!
me: whatever
michael: 'W'
oh, you also threw a pregnancy test at me, but that's all
oh, and EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
me: ew what?
michael: throwing a pregnancy test?
me: sweetheart if that grosses you out remind me not to let you in the room during the actual delivery
michael: there are grosser things in the world, i just don't need to thrown at me!
icky
me: fine, i'll throw afterbirth at you so you can appreciate how minimal a pregnancy test is
michael: that's even ickier
me: see, a pregnancy test isn't so bad now, is it?
michael: whatever, tasing isn't that bad either
no bruises or anything
me: right, it could only kill me
michael: if improperly used
me: but god forbid you get a small bit of urine on you
i'm going to go out on a limb and assume that you don't know the proper way to use one
michael: seriously, i could get an infection & die
i practice every day
me: christ you're a drama queen

'where are they?' wednesday

so back to my 'where are they now?' segment (which i have decided to turn into a weekly event on wednesdays...hence the title all you smarties out there...).

this one is for julie so that she can prove timmy wrong:

brad barron renfro (a.k.a. the kid from 'the client')

then:

now:

*dead from an apparent overdose of heroin and morphine

brad made his movie debut in 1994 in the title role of 'the client'. he acted in 21 movies, several short films, and one television episode during his career. much of his later career was marred by a pattern of substance abuse until his death on january 15, 2008.

brad was born in knoxville, tn, the son of angela and mark renfro, who was a factory worker. he was raised from the age of five by his paternal grandmother, joanne barron renfro, a church secretary. he fathered one child, a son named y(amato) renfro, born in 2003. the boy lives in japan with his mother.

renfro was discovered by mali finn, a casting director, when he was ten. his only previous acting experience was as a dealer in an anti-drugs workshop school production. cast by finn for schumacher's 'the client', renfro acted alongside susan sarandon and tommy lee jones. based on the bestselling john grisham novel, it became one of the top-grossing films of 1994. in 1995, he won hollywood reporter's 'young star' award, and was nominated as one of people's 'top 30 under 30.' that year, he played huck finn in 1995's tom and huck with jonathan taylor thomas.

in 1996, he was cast in 'sleepers', based on the novel by lorenzo carcaterra. the film was directed by barry levinson and also starred robert de niro, kevin bacon, dustin hoffman, and brad pitt.

in 1998, he starred opposite ian mckellen in 'apt pupil', directed by bryan singer. renfro went on to act in other films, including 2001's 'ghost world', 2002's 'confessions of an american girl' (in which he played a gay teenager), 'bully', and 2005's 'the jacket'. he also appeared in an episode of 'law & order: criminal intent' and completed filming on the unreleased film 'the informers', co-starring winona ryder and billy bob thornton.

in december 2005, he was arrested by lapd officers during an undercover drug sweep of downtown's skid row and was charged with attempted possession of heroin. a photograph showing him in handcuffs made the front page of the los angeles times. renfro admitted to a detective that he was using heroin and methadone. in court, he pleaded guilty to the charges, and was sentenced to three years' probation. in 2006, he spent 10 days in jail for convictions of driving while under the influence and attempted heroin possession. in june 2007, a judge found him to have violated his probation by not enrolling in a long-term drug treatment program. he subsequently went into a drug rehabilitation program.

renfro was found dead on january 15, 2008 in his l.a. apartment. on february 8, 2008, the l.a. county coroner's office ruled that renfro's death was accidental, attributing it to acute heroin/morphine intoxication.

his body was returned to east tennessee, where he was buried on january 22, 2008 north of knoxville, at red house cemetery in the small community of blaine.

less than two weeks later, his grandmother joanne – who had raised him and accompanied him regularly during his early acting career – died at her home at the age of 76. local officials stated that she died of natural causes.