hittin' the pavement since '81
to those of you who don’t know, i walk to work everyday – sun, rain, snow or sleet – i throw on my running shoes, tie my laces, and go. i do this for several reasons: it is environmentally friendly, it’s a great way to exercise, and its invigorating to walk first thing in the morning before i spend the following 8.5 hours of my life sitting at a desk.
now that summer is finally upon us (mind you i have not missed walking in slush), i have found that everyone’s common sense regarding walking has gone out the window – really people, its not that hard! i have always noticed that people seem to have difficulties walking on sidewalks in the city and can’t seem to grasp the correlation to walking on a sidewalk in the same manner you would drive your car down the street – up the right and down the left (or vice versa for those overseas). perhaps this is an issue because, although obvious to me, there is a lack in proper city sidewalk etiquette for everyone to follow. therefore, i have decided to tackle this issue myself head on. below are the rules to live by when walking down a sidewalk as well as the common offenders of said rules:
1. the correct flow of traffic.
as mentioned previously, up the right and down the left. its not that hard…just imagine you are driving a car and go with the flow of traffic.
2. pass to the left.
no one likes the asshole who speeds up and passes people on the right while driving so don’t try to cheat in and pass someone from the right – this causes the person you are passing to move towards the center of the sidewalk putting them in direct violation of rule #1 because you’re an ass.
3. look over your shoulder when passing someone.
this is similar to checking your mirrors and blind spot before you change lanes while driving – it avoids collisions and brushes with people you may or may not want to be touching (and if you don’t do this when driving a car chances are you’re going to hit someone, push them off the road, or end up with a particular finger hoisted in your direction).
*NOTE: when passing say something to the effect of, “excuse me” or “coming through” if you’re really in that big of a rush. do NOT, under any circumstances, bowl through a crowd because you are simply that inpatient to utter a, “pardon me” or an, “i’m sorry”...
4. when stopping at a cross walk go all the way to the curb.
i HATE when people stop short of the stop line when driving and i HATE it even more when people stop in the middle of the sidewalk when they get to a crosswalk – no one is going to jump the curb and mow you down!!!
and now for the offenders:
1. cell phone guy (aka the cell phone stagger).
why oh why can’t this person walk in a straight line???…the joke is that blondes can’t walk and talk at the same time, but really – i have seen this guy EVERYWHERE. what is it about having one hand higher than your other that completely throws off your equilibrium rendering you incapable of walking in a straight line?!?!?! is that the problem? do you have no balance? and what’s with people talking on their cell phones with the elbow from the arm holding the phone protruding all the way out into the buffer space between people?!?!?! lasso that elbow back in cowboy…i don’t need to lose and eye… or is the problem that are you too caught up on your phone call that you can’t possibly LOOK WHERE YOU’RE GOING?!?!?! quite frankly i don’t really care the reason…just spare us all by putting the phone down and slowly walking away (down the right hand side of the sidewalk of course).
2. the ipod girl.
now i am a HUGE fan of listening to music while i walk…it helps pass the time and its nice to have a theme song to walk to…however, if you have your music cranked so loud that you can’t hear your own thoughts, how are you possibly going to hear someone who is trying to excuse themselves to pass you? i’ve had to deal with this person many a time and by the time i excuse myself 5 or so times i’ve have it with niceties and pass on my own accord whether i bump into them or not (i know this puts me in violation of rule #3 but if you’ve put in a valiant effort to excuse yourself and still haven’t gotten anywhere, take matters into your own hands).
3. umbrella boy.
this is an item that is a problem now that it is snowing and will only become worse as the snow turns to rain. the rules of engagement when it comes to umbrellas:
· when opening your umbrella it is always better to underestimate the size you have to open it rather than overestimate (read: make sure there is no one around you to avoid hitting fellow walkers)
· once the umbrella is open, remain mindful of those around you – ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO ARE AT EYE LEVEL WITH THE RIBS OF YOUR UMBREALLA. being tall, i can’t tell you how many times i’ve almost lost an eye to someone who doesn’t notice that not everyone is their height…
· when walking down the sidewalk with an umbrella (again, on the right hand side) make eye contact with those who are coming towards you with an umbrella of their own. there is a secret brother and sisterhood of umbrella users who know to make eye contact with their fellow brothers/sisters about who is going to go up with their umbrella and who is going to go down to avoid an umbrella collision (typically men will raise theirs and women will lower theirs but this is not always the case so be sure to get the read before you meet each other)
· when arriving at your destination, be sure to shake the excess water off of your umbrella away from others and preferably not in the middle of the floor. I JUST USED AN UMBREALLA TO STAY OUT OF THE RAIN – I DON’T NEED THE WATER THAT COLLECTED ON YOURS TO DRENCH ME!!!
4. those who have less mobility than you.
having just gotten off of crutches myself, i cannot stress to you how imperative it is to get out of the way of those who are less mobile than you – i was on damn crutches and was getting cut off and the ends of them kicked out from underneath me because people weren’t mindful of where their feet were! items to look out for: crutches, canes, wheelchairs, etc.
5. those who have more mobility than you (i.e. skateboarder, rollerbladers, bikes, etc.).
if you are using any of the above mentioned items then you shouldn’t be on the sidewalk to begin with and i will not hesitate to throw a stick in your spokes.
6. mini hummers.
i understand the need to feel that your child is precious cargo – i would feel the same way if i had any…but, i don’t and i therefore don’t need to deal with you and your hubby pushing that contraption that you call a stroller down the middle of the sidewalk (which would really classify as a vehicle in most small countries and is a DIRECT violation of rule 1).
7. purse diving.
i don’t know what it is that you are looking for in that behemoth of a bag, but why did you just decide to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to look for something that clearly needs a search party out looking for it? seriously, if you need a tracking device to find it in your bag then you need a smaller bag (but that is a different issue in itself). in the meantime, pull over to the side of the sidewalk to look for it – you wouldn’t stop your car in the middle of the street to look for something, would you? (if you answered yes to this, than may darwinism remove you from the rapidly depleting green earth before i do).
8. slamming on the breaks.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER JUST ABRUPTLY STOP ON A SIDEWALK!!! this will cause others around you to collide, sidestep, and otherwise avoid you at all costs wreaking havoc on the flow of traffic.
9. crosswalk cars.
i have seen this one happen too many times. some of us aren’t as fortunate as others and cannot afford a car – others, like myself, do prefer to walk…regardless of the reason behind our hitting the pavement, when the little glowing white man is telling us to go we still get the right of way when it comes to crosswalks! having lived in the city for a while now i understand the importance of still looking both ways before i cross, making sure i actually have the right of way, etc. but what gets me is when a car stops at a red light, stop sign, is trying to turn into a parking lot and stops smack dab in the middle of the crosswalk – MY CROSSWALK. do not think that i will hesitate to open your back door, climb across your back seat, and exit through the other side just to show you how much of an ass you truly are for blocking my path.
10. the laundry machines.
now i understand that obesity is a major problem in america and i applaud those who are a bit overweight for walking as a means of transportation (kudos america). however, i have noticed a trend when walking that those who have a bit more weight tend to swing their arms very wide around their bodies. i see that the extra pounds around your waistline may prohibit you from the typical front to back movement of your arms, but really – do you really need to look like an agitating laundry machine? I don’t need to start my day by being clotheslined by someone thankyouverymuch!
11. spitters/smokers.
these are both disgusting habits and i don’t think i really need to elaborate on them too much. do not spit on the ground right in front of me, to the side of me or anywhere near me – in fact, if you could curb your need to expulse of your phlegm all together that would be great. and if you’re a smoker, do not exhale in my face or in line with anywhere that will be in my field of oxygen while i walk. and what’s the deal with walking and smoking? are you trying to be healthy? perhaps you should consider removing the cancer stick from your mouth before you worry about your cardiovascular health.
12. the stalker.
if you are behind someone who you need to pass, do not walk on their heels – keep an appropriate distance between you and them until you have an opportunity to pass (much like tailgating). and if you walk this way all the time, you’re just plain creepy and no one appreciates it.
13. the herd.
i cannot stand it when people decide to walk together to chat only to take up the ENTIRE width of the sidewalk... seriosuly, do they think that people don't need to get past them?.. its even worse when you're walking towards them that they don't move...it's not like i didn't notice you looking DIRECTLY at me you schmucks!!!
i believe that about sums it up on my end. i am sure that there are more categories of offenders out there, but these are the basics that i see EVERY DAY. so if you’re ever in the city, especially boston, please take these rules and offenders to heart – you’d hate to realize that you’re one of them and i would hate to have to be the one to point it out to you…
i mean, come on...only a select few can have a totally public meltdown during the pinnacle of their career (we'll overlook 'glitter' since everyone makes a bomb in their lives) and now look like the 
