the office premier

i don't think words can do justice just how much i love this show. i just about died laughing last night during the premier, but i think the funniest exchange happened as detailed below:

back story: michael ran into meredith in the parking lot when he was pulling into work for his first day back from ny (where he didn't get the promotion - ryan got it instead). as ryan is now in corporate, he is the one who michael has to report to. this exchange happens over the phone.

michael: so i need a little treat for the gang, something to win their affections back.
ryan: back? why is that michael?
michael: well, i ran down meredith in my car…
ryan: (groaning) did you do this on purpose?
michael: no, i was being negligent but she is the hospital…she’s fine…recovering nicely…a tiny little crack in her pelvis, but she will be up-
ryan: did this happen on company property?
michael: yes, it was on company property…with company property…so, double jeopardy – we are fine.
ryan: i don’t think you understand how jeopardy works.
michael: oh, right…i’m sorry…what is we are fine...

i think i may have woken up the neighbor's children from how loud i was laughing...i apologize to the citizens of newton.

a show of hands as to who didn't see this coming:

michael vick has been confined to his home as he has failed his drug test (he was found to have marijuana in his system). sources say he looks forward to spending some quality time with his remaining secret pit bulls in his secret lair of secret dog fighting.


i can't wait until brit brit fails her drug test too...do you think they could go into house arrest together? then they could make babies since that seems to be the only thing she actually knows how to do these days...

our fearless leader:

real american heroes...

we salute you, mr. rubick's cube worker
(line up all the squares)
surrounded by a sea of colorful blocks
(workin' so hard now!)
your day consists of working a puzzle
(work the puzzle good now)

so, here's to you, mr. rubick's cube worker...bud light salutes you...

a now a word from one of our sponsors...

a blurb from karen - my croatian crème de la crème:

croatian motorbike rider was knocked unconscious when lightning struck his penis during a roadside toilet break.

metro.co.uk reported ante djindjic, 29, escaped relatively unscathed from the incident, suffering only light burns to his chest and arms.

he said: "i don't remember what happened. one minute i was taking a leak and the next thing i knew i was in hospital. "doctors said the lightning went through my body and because i was wearing rubber boots it earthed itself through my penis."

"thankfully, the doctors said that there would be no lasting effects, and my penis will function normally eventually."

god bless rubber wellies...

now there is a hands-on anatomy lesson...

only in the south (and i can say that being a texan myself):

the department of corrections in columbia, s.c. has a new inmate.

name: karen robbins
age: 49
infraction: she is charged with three counts each of criminal sexual conduct with a minor and committing a lewd act on a child after having sex with a 15 year-old boy in her car and twice at her home. she is the third teacher in the same county accused of such crimes in the past year and a half.

having attended clemson university in clemson, s.c. i can attest that there is nothing in the water...you should never trust a town who's university has a mascot by the name of gamecocks...

p.s. do you think that 15 year-old is the one who wrote her name for her?

brit brit update - part deux

brit brit was seen leaving an office building in beverly hills in tears over the weekend. rumors are she visited a private nurse for her first round of 'random' drug testing - she does know she's supposed to leave the cup there, right?:

maybe she's planning on giving it to sean preston as an upgrade on his sippy cup...you know, as a peace offering for stealing his binky last week...

attack of the scientologist drones!!!

is it just me or does katie holmes look like she's being dragged around by tommy? i mean, leading your woman in an out of a room in a delicate manner is one thing, but he's got a tighter grip on her than britney does on her coke:

oh joey potter...how did you ever turn down dawson or pacey??? will wonders never cease?!?!?!

i thought kids at mit were supposed to be smart???

*click on image*

i was like...oh my god...look at my hoo-ha!

tyra banks had ms. vanessa hudgens on her show this week where vanessa talked about the time she met matt damon:

"i was 14 years old and i met him. i completely freaked out. like, i did to him what my fans do to me. i was like, 'ohmigosh, i love you so much, can i have your autograph?' "

and now we know who the other half of her nude photos went to...

if we're really lucky...

this should shut her up:

what she was thinking after she popped it in her mouth:

i forgot how much burboun i had put on this to get sean preston to quit whining... why does everyone think i'm such a bad parent? my mom did this for me before i fired her...and even though i've hit rock bottom more times this month than pam anderson has been married and divorced means nothing! i will make my comeback!!!

the office

so, the office (quite possibly the funniest show on tv) is coming back next thursday, september 27th with their season premier.

let us recap some of my favorite highlights:

birthday wishes

behold! my brother's well wishes for my birthday:

bite.me.

and now, the one from julie:

the 5th anniversary of my 21st birthday...

yes, that's right - its my birthday today...YAY I'M GETTING OLDER!!!

in celebration of this momentous occasion, i bought myself a little birthday present:

a grande non-fat pumpkin spice latte from starbucks - now that's a way to start the day...mmmmmmmm...

deja vu anyone?

blondes, and male friends of blondes, around the world...lock your doors...

after posting $125,000 bail for the 11 felony counts against him...O.J. IS OUT!!!

then:

now:
the difference? a receding hairline from all the stress of trying to find nicole's killer on the golf courses of miami beach...

more news on brit brit...

so news was breaking when i was leaving work yesterday about brit brit's saga:

britney spears is a 'habitual, frequent, and continuous' user of alcohol and controlled substances and now must undergo twice-weekly random testing a judge in the singer's custody case ruled. los angeles superior court commissioner scott gordon also ruled that both spears and ex-husband kevin federline may not consume alcohol or non-prescription controlled substances at least 12 hours prior to being with their children. spears, alone, was ordered to meet with a 'parenting coach' at least twice a week for a total of eight hours, according to court documents released tuesday. 'the parenting coach is to observe (spear's_ interaction with the minor children and her parenting skills,' the commissioner wrote. the coach will provide lawyers on both sides with written reports, and will appear in court at the ex-couple's next hearing on nov. 26.

8 hours?!?!?! that's it?!?!?! they think they can teach her how to be a parent in 8 hours since, apparently, the last 24 months have taught her nothing...

i can totally see her on supernanny and taking a swing at that british chick...

brit brit update

so we all know ms. brit brit is heading to court to fight kfed for custody of their two children (described by sarah silverman as, 'the most adorable mistakes you will ever see'). kfed is being represented by the one and only gloria allred while brit brit's lawyer and manager have simlutaneously dumped her...

her former bodyguard is set to testify against her reporting issues of nudity, drug use and safety issues involving the children...like these are big shocking allegations...

brit brit has found a new team of lawyers in her one and only fan left:



and the one and only man she can still cling to:

i never thought i'd say this, but my $$$ is on kfed...

the emmys!

so i am not one to sit around and spend my precious sunday evening watching award shows...but i am one to dvr them and sit around on my precious monday evening to catch up on what i missed...

below, my take on the fashions...first, the women

BEST:

katherine heigl - love love love her...so classic and classy...can't get enough of her...

ali larter - wow - talk about coming a long way from the whipped cream bikini...fabulous!

america ferrera - hello womanly curves, where have you been??? thank you for making the rest of us feel sooooooooo much better about our bodies!!!

sandra oh - oh how far you have come!!! classic black can't go wrong...stunning...

tina fey - funny girl gone chic...LOVE IT!!!

WORST:

heidi klum - heidi heidi heidi...i love you and i love project runway...however, you are supposed to be walking the red carpet, not wearing it...

ellen pompeo - i know you are known for taking risks on the red carpet, and while this dress is flattering, i can't stop staring at your hair - what did you use for volumizer? a wind tunnel or did you just stick your finger right into a socket? also, why must you wear a 'necklace' that looks like the tie-back on my mom's curtains?

rebecca romijn - not so much fashion disaster here...more like she looked like she was trying to pay tribute to the late tammy faye baker...

jenna fischer - i appreciate that life isn't on a smooth road right now with you recovering from a broken back (i can sympathize) and a broken heart...i love your work...i love your show...i love that you tried to take a risk...i don't, however, love the dress...

and now, the men...

BEST:
john krasinski - yes, i know i just posted about you before this...but damn if you didn't look good enough to earn/require two postings...

jeremy piven - personally, i think you look hotter sans your entourage...and i may or may not have had a crush on you since pcu came out...

milo ventimiglia - on my man-crush list (yes, i know that, as a woman, i am supposed to have a woman-crush list to counter mike's man-crush and not the man-crush list i already posted...but this is my blog and i will do as i please)...

patrick dempsey - really, i don't think you could ever do anything wrong in my eyes...god you are HOT!

WORST:

adrian greiner - so.over.you. you had that boy-next-door thing going for you until you supposedly hooked up with pair-pair...now you have that boy-next-door-who-needs-to-be-tested thing going for you...oh, and by the way...you drink is pink...not so much of a turn on...

jerry o'connell - thin ties are NOT in...you look like a used car salesman...

ryan seacrest - see comment above under jerry o'connell re: skinny ties...apparently you tried to one-up him by making yours shiny...not feelin' it...SEACREST OUT!

never thought i would quote fergie...

but the best way to describe mr. john krasinski can only be summed up in one way:


tasty...tasty...

assume the position...

here britney is preparing herself to drop the duece that was her performance at the vma's:

and now the deuce:

i.love.my.alma.mater.

Untimely yell leads to drug charges
2 NU students are arrested

By Andrew C. Ryan, Globe Staff September 6, 2007

A pair of freshmen at Northeastern University learned a tough lesson before classes even started this semester, when one of them allegedly leaned out the window of his dormitory and yelled something regrettable in earshot of plainclothes police officers.

"If you're looking for weed, my roommate Ferrante has some for sale," Michael R. Emery yelled, according to Jake Wark, a spokesman for the Suffolk district attorney's office.

The sales pitch, allegedly made Sunday to a fellow student shouting from a second-floor window at the Hemenway Street residence hall, landed Emery, 18, and his roommate, Matthew J. Ferrante, 18, in a lot of trouble. After their room was searched and officers allegedly found marijuana, smoking accessories and liquor, the pair was arrested, arraigned, and apparently thrown out of school.

"I can tell you that they are no longer students here at Northeastern," said Laura Shea, a school spokeswoman, who declined to comment further.

According to a statement from prosecutors, police went to the second floor of the dormitory after hearing Emery yell and found the door open. In plain view was a bottle of Grey Goose vodka, a shot glass, and a plastic baggie of marijuana, officials said. The officers knocked and identified themselves to Emery, of Haverhill, and Ferrante, of North Andover.

As they spoke to the teens, police spotted another bag of marijuana and a glass pipe, the district attorney's office said.

The officers read the students their rights and received permission to search the room, according to the release. The search yielded eight small bags of marijuana, a larger bag containing three to four ounces of marijuana, hundreds of clear plastic baggies, and a digital scale, the DA's statement said.

The officers also found a grinder, a bong, $1,045 in cash, bottles of of liquor, and a vaporizer, a device that uses heat to release marijuana's intoxicating chemicals but does not burn the plant, officials said.

Outside the window of their room, the students had rigged a pulley system that had been designed to raise and lower items from the room directly overhead. It was not immediately known how the students were using the pulley system, prosecutors said.

Emery and Ferrante were arraigned Tuesday in Roxbury District Court and charged with possession of a class D substance with intent to distribute in a school zone, possession of alcohol by a minor, and conspiracy to violate the state's drug laws. The teens were released without bail and are to return to court Oct. 24.

"It is dispiriting that these young men would take so cavalierly an education that so many young people across the state that play by the rules can't afford," Wark said.
A message left at Emery's parents' home was not returned. Reached by phone yesterday at his parents' home in North Andover, Ferrante said: "I do not want to talk about it."

why i love espn.com

SPORTS GAL'S RANT

I wasn't surprised when Michael Vick found Jesus about a dozen dead dogs too late. Every celeb who breaks the law embraces a higher power as soon as they get caught. How many times can we keep testing God's limits? A few weeks after Paris Hilton told Larry King that she found God, two of Bill's friends watched as she give Suge Knight a sloppy post-ESPY's lap dance at the Mondrian. I don't remember reading about lap dances in the Old Testament. Just wait until the day Lindsay Lohan finds religion at her 19th DUI trial, I'm sure God will love that. Get ready for some unexplained atomic explosions afterward.

We should be harder on celeb criminals because they're supposed to be setting examples for kids - even someone like Paris, who's setting an example for aspiring socialite hookers with no talent. If I got hopped up on drugs and drove the wrong way on the highway, I'd be biting into a pillow in a cell with large Marge right now. When Nicole Richie does the same thing, she goes to jail for 10 seconds. So let's make an example out of our dog-hating friend Mr. Vick. Instead of a joke sentence, let's put him in televised cage fights with other dogfighters, with all proceeds going to PETA and the Humane Society. Leading up to each fight, we'll starve Michael the same way he starved his dogs. Each fight will keep going until Michael or his opponent gives up or dies. The loser will be executed by eletrocution, gunfire or hanging. I know this sounds brutal, but I believe in an eyefor an eye and I can't accept anyone ever hurting a dog. If cage fighting is too harsh, then Vick should eat dog food and drink out of the toilet for the entire time he's in jail. Anyone who would hurt a dog deserves to be treated like one.

On a lighter note, I want to challenge Cameron Diaz to a cage fight. This is getting ridiculous. First, she dated Jared Leto while he was still in his "Jordan Catalano" mysterious/smoldering/hot phase, then she nabbed the incredibly talented, inexplicably sexy and on-his-way-up JT, and finally, the funny, talented and inexplicably sexy John Meyer right after he lost weight. That's three of the guys on my list! If I ever see Cameron crossing the street in LA, I'm going to run her over with my car. Maybe I should just find God now and get it over with.

please eat a kit-kat keira

ms. knightly is becoming increasingly pissed off on all of the reports that she has an eating disorder, is a drug addict, or a combination thereof...


well duh! you may be an accomplished actress (in fact, i loved you in all three pirates movies), but when you look like you do above part of me wants to sit on you and force feed you hamburgers and candy for a week...

yes, i am certain genetics play a part of it (you hit the JACKPOT honey), but couldn't you get your pic taken eating a candy bar or something every once in a while to make the rest of us feel better???

and you recently complained that you don't have any tits - do you want some of mine??? i'll sell them to you - we can even bargain...have your people contact my people...

this is for you justin:

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ADDENDUM

i don't know how its possible, but i neglected to include several individuals on my man-crush list (god forgive me for not acknowledging these fine specimens):

1. david beckham (soccer hotness)
2. matt lauer (today show hotness)
3. tom brady (patriots hotness - but i'm still mad at you regarding bridget vs. gisele)
4. david duchovny (alien hotness)
5. reggie bush (football hotness)

the man-crush

so mike and i were watching the red sox game on monday and, after he hit a three run homer, mike revealed to me that he might have a man-crush on mike lowell:


not a bad choice, but here is my list of man-crushes (in no particular order):

1. christopher meloni (yummy hotness)
2. john krasinski (local hotness)
3. kevin youkilis (red sox hotness)
4. jake gyllenhaal (best.smile.ever hotness)
5. joaquin phoenix (best.eyes.ever hotness)
6. orlando bloom (skinny hotness)
7. denzel washington (tasty hotness)
8. heath ledger (back-on-the-market hotness)
9. dylan mcdermott (comeback hotness)
10. milo ventimiglia (heroes hotness)