dumb laws

a great big thanks to mike for sending me this link. now i have something to do to kill time until lunch. for a preview, here is a list of dumb laws in massachusetts (my current residence) and texas (my home state):

massachusetts:

• it is illegal to give beer to hospital patients
• candy may not contain more than 1% of alcohol
• shooting ranges may not set up targets that resemble human beings
• at a wake, mourners may eat no more than three sandwiches
• snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked
• an old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public
• taxi drivers are prohibited from making love in the front seat of their taxi during their shifts
• all men must carry a rifle to church on sunday
• hunting on sundays is prohibited
• it is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath
• a woman can not be on top in sexual activities
• no gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car
• tattooing and body piercing is illegal
• children may smoke, but they may not purchase cigarettes
• tomatoes may not be used in the production of clam chowder - take that ny!!!
• quakers and witches are banned
• bullets may not be used as currency
• massachusetts liquor stores can only open on sundays if they are in berkshire, essex, franklin, middlesex or worcester counties and are within 10 miles of the vermont or new hampshire borders
• alcoholic drink specials are illegal
• public boxing matches are outlawed

and now texas:

• one must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office
• it is illegal to sell one's eye
• a program has been created in the state that attempts to control the weather
• when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone
• it is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing
• up to a felony charge can be levied for promoting the use of, or owning more than six dildos
• it is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel
• it is illegal to milk another person's cow
• a recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed
• homosexual behavior is a misdemeanor offense
• the entire encyclopedia britannica is banned in texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home

stars weaknesses...

so today on people.com they had celebrities' vices around the holidays when it comes to food. take a guess as to what these stars had to say:

• vanessa hudgens
  "i just love _______ and i can't give it up," the high school musical 2 star says. "i find myself eating it all the time, even when i don't want to be. it just appears in my mouth!"

hmmmmmmmmmm...i can only imagine what ms. hudgens has difficulty keeping out of her mouth...

• dana delaney
  wisteria lane's most secretive resident spills on her diet breaker. "i drink a lot of ______, i admit it," delaney says.

you can take several guesses at this one...pretty much anything would foot the bill given hollywood's growing dui list...

• carrie underwood
  the country singer admits to indulging during the holiday season. "expect carrie to put on a few pounds, because i will not deny myself ____________," she says.

putting on a few pounds???...wow - she might actually look like a normal woman then...

• heidi montag
  the hills star admits to a weakness for _______ when dining out with boyfriend spencer 'the original douche bag' pratt. "i just love those!" she says.

hmmmmmmm...another toughie...perhaps fake breasts??? fake personality??? fake smile??? fake anything???

festivus week at work...

so to those who don't know, i have to work this week. yes, every day (save for christmas)...same with next week with the exception of the 1st. needless to say, its been dead here...although given i work in a hospital, that may not be the best depiction...its been really ridiculously slow... so slow, that i have had the following thoughts since monday:

• i am so bored
• i should really file
• my officemate is out so i don't even have anyone to talk to...
• no.one.has.called.me.
• is it 5:00 pm yet?
• i love love love my new longchamp bag!
• i wonder how many games of text twist i can play in an hour???
• b.o.r.e.d.
• everyone at people.com, dlisted, go fug yourself, and perez hilton have the day off so i have no trash to read on celebrities...depressing...
• a sense of fulfillment: i filed!
• and now i'm bored again...
• if a girl wears sweats to work and no one is around to see her, did she really wear sweats???
• ugh...all that's left to eat in the kitchen are leftover candies from people's holidays...if your family didn't want to eat it, neither do i...
• my text twist high score is: 44080...not too shabby
• ooooooooooh...a phone call!!!...and its a telemarketer...BASTARDS!!!
• is it lunchtime yet?
• i wonder if i could read my book at my desk...
• so...many...sales...today...
• i bet my boss is having a bitchin' time on vacation right now...better than my last one...
• another phone call!...and its a wrong number...
• it has only recently come to my attention how much the baptist hospital looks like your typical hollywood insane asylum from the window in my office...
• i want to be home cuddling with mike
• i have way too many gift cards to know what to do with myself...that means shopping this weekend!
• is it the weekend yet?
• i should really clean my office
• i miss new episodes of the office...damn writers strike!!!
• mmmmmmmmm...john krasinski...
• i wish i could teach my cats how to do my job...then i could stay home all day and nap like them
• its only 10:49 am?!?!?!
• no one is here...no one is here...
• phone call!...no i don't know who is covering a specific nurse whom i never work with...
• must.keep.eyes.open.
• i am in physical pain when i'm this bored.
• i wish someone would come to my office so i could eat lunch with them
• why don't i work for a university life half of my friends/relatives so that i automatically get the 21st through the 1st off???
• these next four working days are never going to end...

a serious life matter!!!

a google chat about appetizer plates:

so mike and i are both super busy at work right now (lie)...so much in fact that i barely had enough time (lie) to check our wedding registries to see if anyone had bought anything...a small obsession of mine... one of the many items we have on one of them was a few sets of appetizer plates which, sadly, are no longer available. since that is the case, we were trying to figure out which ones we wanted to get instead.

me being the on-the-ball type of bride (but not quite a bridezilla - which i think trusty julie would attest to), i had already found a replacement...in addition to a few other serving items that would match the new appetizer plates. i sent mike the links, he reviewed, and agreed like a good husband-to-be should. i told him i'm glad he agreed since i had already made my mind up. his response:

mike: sooooo, basically you just wanted to nicely tell me that you had
already done it but wanted me to feel like my input is appreciated?

me: see...you are ready for marriage!!!

holiday card

this year, mike and i thought we might spice things up a bit for our holiday card and use a portrait of the two of us...

BEHOLD! our tidings of good cheer!:

wow...oh wow...

so i got home from volleyball last night to a text message from julie stating:

jamie lynn spears is preggers

now i know she expects me to run with this and blog-blog-blog away about it. however, given the sensitive nature of her current situation and her age, i feel as though i need to take the higher road and not say anything since there is already enough speculation out there as to what is going on in the spears' household.
























HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...just kidding...i would never let you guys down like that!!!

upon hearing this news, my mind had been in overdrive!!! a few of my thoughts:

• the only way this could possibly get any better is if kfed is the daddy...
• after hearing that the daddy is not kfed (a disappointment on my end) and that it is someone whom she met at church, i wondered what cult mrs. lynn spears has her going to that teaches the whole sex before marriage thing...
• i wonder if the daddy is the 60 year-old homeless bum running said cult???
• i then found out that the daddy is in fact her longtime boyfriend casey aldridge...who is 19...who apparently doesn't know to double glove that s*it...
• mrs. lynn spears' book on parenting has been delayed indefinitely...it's delayed, not cancelled stated a spokeswoman for thomas nelson, the publishing company who is set to release her book...which also publishes inspirational books and bibles...
• the comment "a rep for spears was not immediately available for comment" has become so ingrained in my head that i forgot brit brit had a younger sis and thought she was preggers again...which may also be true...
• 'white trash breeding more white trash' on the next jerry springer...
• you know charles darwin had it all wrong...the whole 'survival of the fittest' has taken a backseat to 'survival of the scantily clad sluts of lousiana'...
• lindsay lohan - congratulations on your 'get out of paparazzi free' card...
• jamie lynn, do the public a favor and wait until you're at least 20 and have two more buggers to enlist in welfare...
• brit brit reportedly had no idea and found out when everyone else in the general public did and was in shock...so much shock that she ate twice her weight in cheeto pie!!!
• do you hear that??? that is the sound of 'zoey 101', jamie lynn's show on nickelodeon's (one of their highest-rated), being cancelled and nickelodeon going belly-up...
• tmz broke this story...i need to send them a holiday card...

if it weren't for bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all...

so mike and i did in fact make the earlier flight last night which was one of the first to land last night at logan after it re-opened. since there was a severe lack of taxis, the security guard at the airport was trying to consolidate passengers going to multiple locations into one taxi to expedite travel. we were put into a cab with another couple going to brighton (which was somewhat on the way) and found out after pulling away from the taxi stand that the first group would pay what the meter showed and the second group would pay what the meter showed minus $2 when they arrived at their location. needless to say, this was not fair at all, but we couldn't do much of anything seeing that it was 1:00 am and we had already left logan.

the couple in brighton needed to get to the 1700 block of comm ave and gave the driver specific instructions as to how they would like to get there. we got on the pike heading that direction only to have to stop in the middle of the pike for the cab driver to get out of the cab and pull his windshield wipers off of his windshield since they had frozen and weren't working. this didn't help and we continued the drive in the active snow sans windshield wipers. of course, he thought this would be an opportune time to get on his cell and turn up the radio to increase our safety...

continuing on our way, mike and i noticed that we were going an awfully long way outside of the city to get into brighton (the male of the other couple has only lived here for 5 months and the female was visiting - both of whom made it known that they didn't really know the best way anywhere). mike piped up when we were on storrow drive down past harvard u. and were making our way back to brighton to double back to newton to drop us off. needless to say, we were about 8 minutes from our place (we got off storrow near new balance) and called the driver out on how he was really taking us for a ride. his defense was that all the streets in the city were closed (lie) and that he couldn't get into any of them from where we were (lie). meantime, the guy from the other couple took this opportunity to tell him that he was full of shit since he had used the t to get to logan to pick up his friend and that, while it was still snowing, the streets were perfectly clear and there had been plenty of drivers on the roads.

the four of us decided to tell the cabbie to pull over at the intersection of western ave. and market st. and we would take our chances on getting another cab from there. the driver pulled over and the meter said $26.80. the guys pulled their wallets out and were prepared to give him $13.40 each when the driver tells us that it is $26.80 each couple...which is crap (which we told him) but there wasn't anything we could do since he had our luggage in his trunk.

mike took the opportunity to chew the guy out and tell him he was full of horseshit while i was on the phone with the boston pd's taxi hotline lodging a complaint. finally we were able to get the bags after paying the cabbie when i decided that, with it now being 1:30 am and we were out in the middle of nowhere (so to speak) with no cabs or drivers other than plows, we would be best served to walk to the boston state police barracks located on the on-ramp from market st. to storrow drive. we did such and were greeted with 3 of the nicest troopers i have ever met (one of whom spent well over an hour trying every single cab company in the city - minus the one we had just taken - while the other two flagged down cabs during their patrol and sent them to the barracks to help us and the other couple out). mike and i tried calling our friend karen who we had been traveling with who lives by northeastern to see if she might be able to get there seeing as every single cab company was closed or, the few that were open, didn't have any cabs in the area; my brother who lives down the street from us, and mike's sister who lives in brighton to see if any of them could come get us. finally the trooper was able to get a cab company with a taxi dispatched to come pick up one of the couples (which would be there in 20 minutes...which turned into over an hour) so we let the other couple take the first cab (which mike helped him pay for since the guy had little $ left after the first cab) and waited for another one...and waited...and waited...and waited...

finally around 3:00 am another cab that had been flagged down by one of the troopers (mind you they had literally put out an apb for any taxis in the area to be flagged down and sent to the barracks for us) and we were on our way home.

we got home around 3:30 am and were nothing but elated to be back. we walked in dropped our bags and proceeded to go into our apartment in search of our cats and our bed (where you find one, you will find the other). when i turned on our bedroom light and walked in i immediately noticed that my jewelry box was open...then i noticed that my bureau drawers were open...when i walked around our bed i noticed that half of the contents of my bureau were scattered on the floor...then i turned and looked at mike's bureau and noticed that his drawers were open and had been rifled through. i immediately got my brother on the phone (again) and asked if he had, for any reason, gone into our bedroom (he had been coming once a day to feed our cats). he said no and it was then that mike and i noticed that our front door had clearly been kicked in since the chain from the door was hanging from the door and was no longer securing our apartment.

yes, that's right...after everything else last night we came home to find that our apartment had been broken into. nothing is noticeably missing (other than some cash mike was holding onto to pay back someone from brookline h.s. for the food stand they run during volleyball games), but we were instructed by the cop that showed up to take our statement not to touch anything in the event that one of the detectives would want to come out today to dust for prints (he didn't think that there was much of anything that they might be able to lift prints from).

needless to say, we didn't get into bed until well past 5:00 am and that was with half the lights on in the apartment since i was both exhausted and still spooked.

so now we're playing the waiting game to see what we have to do next...remind me never to go on vacation again...

a size 2?!?!?!

maybe she forgot the 1 in front of the 2???

ms. hewitt, i hate to break it to you, but you are not a size 2...and if you are, then you are about 3'7" tall...now don't get me wrong...i'm no size zero myself (at 5'11" i would be worried if i were)...and i am happy that you are perfectly content with your body (as you and every woman should be), but please don't try to convince us that, in this photo, you are a size 2...perhaps back when you were on party of 5 (and i was jealous of all the time you got to spend with scott wolf and matthew fox) you were a size 2...but no longer my sister from another mister...

what a difference six decades can make...

lauren bacall, i have the utmost respect for you...if i ever were to meet up with you in a dark alley, i would cower in fear...

especially if you were looking like a homeless meth addict...

brit brit is my age?!?!?!

brit brit celebrated her birthday over the weekend...she turned the big 2-6!!! vegas has 25-to-1 odds that she'll live to see 30...

given the first pic, i understand the need to wear her sunglasses inside...

eat a candy bar...

i always wondered what a stick on crack in a cheap red bra would look like...

now i know.

have some r-e-s-p-e-c-t...

for your arteries!:

oh aretha, what the deuce happened?!?!?!

oh mags...

you have looked better my friend:

looks like someone was playing truth or dare with a time machine and lost...big time...

you know, they make a cream for that...

the one and only time i am convinced a celebrity didn't have botox:

she says she wants to start a family, due to her envy towards nicole, even though she doesn't have a boyfriend...thank god for clinical donations...although a 'donation' may be how this lip problem of hers started...

letting them air out...

you know all living mammals need oxygen to breathe...and i know posh's breasticles have been holding their breath for years...this is merely proof:

she can read?!?!?!

is that...no...it can't be...brit brit is carrying a barnes & noble bag?!?!?!:

i bet its full of pop-up books on how cheetos and frappuccino are made...

hello???

for those faithful readers i send out my deepest apologies for not updating in forever...i know many of you rely on these confessions of a shoe slut to make it through your otherwise hectic, over-scheduled, and sometimes boring days at work.

but the drought is over and my cup runeth over again...

i.am.back.